Step away from the pediatrics textbook....

Today D had another research study appointment. She was not a happy girl. The appointment came RIGHT during the time that has become her mid-morning nap. Poor kiddo was awake for 5 hours straight, and she was not a happy camper. She screamed quasi-inconsolably for much of the data collection.

I sort of wondered whether the research assistants were thinking, "What is wrong with that mommy, that she can't comfort her baby," but that's probably self-consiousness and paranoia talking. They didn't say anything, and I know that D was just upset because she was tired, so if they did think something negative, who cares.

Apparently during the last ultrasound appointment the radiologist identified a cyst on her thyroid. It's probably nothing, but they had to inform me, and they sent documentation to her pediatrician whom we're seeing next week anyway. Of course I immediately went to my peds textbook and found thyroglossal duct cyst causing me to freak out. Note to self, do not look up own child's problems in the peds textbook. No good can possibly come of that.

She weighed 12 lbs 8 oz today, which is 13oz more than her last visit 13 days ago, and was 57 cm. Her head circumference was 40.2 cm, which the research assistant said was more than 95th percentile. I looked that up too (what! it's been 4 years since my peds rotation, you can't expect me to remember this stuff!) and freaked myself out with acondroplasia . Woo.

Anyway, we finally got home at about 2, and then D slept for 3 hours in the swing while I "napped" on the couch. I hope she feels a little better now.

Adverse Selection

There was a great article in Slate yesterday about why the private insurance market will never be able to insure people with pre-existing conditions.

And no, it's not just because they're already sick, and therefore they'd cost too much money to insure. Rather, it has to do with adverse selection and asymmetric information.

When a person's already been sick, that person has much more information about the future costs of his/her treatment than the insurance company. That person knows what treatment options are out there, whether or not they intend to pursue them, and at least a vague idea of how much they will cost. Therefore, if you price their insurance at say.... 10K per year, only those patients who know that their care will cost more than that will enroll. People who expect to consume less health care will not, and the insurance plan will lose money -- and probably a lot of it.

Healthy people, by contrast, have no idea whether they're going to get sick and how much it will cost. Therefore people who will consume less healthcare than the cost of the premium will enroll as well, enabling the insurance company to not lose money hand over fist.

It turns out, this can be shown empirically, which the Slate article discusses.

So, it's not just that sick people cost more. It's that they have a better idea of what those costs will be in the future. It's the problem of asymmetric information, and it's why the private insurance market will never work for sick people.

Weight

My pregnancy zenith weight was 156.1 lbs for a net gain of 31.1 lbs (according to *my* scale). One month post partum I had gotten down to 131 lbs, give or take. There was one glorious day where I weighed 129.9.... but that was more than two weeks ago.

:-P

My point is, I've plateaued big time. I think my appetite finally caught up to the amount of calories I was burning with the breastfeeding, and I have stopped losing weight. I can fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans, and even button them (thank GOD), but they are kind of tight, and I seem to have stored all the weight in my stomach, which hangs over the waist band a bit. I understand that much of this is loose skin. However those 6 lbs have gone somewhere, and since I've traditionally been a gut storer, my guess is that at least a lb or two are in the protruding gut.

Since Luca and I finally sleeping better (exception being last night), I decided it might be time to start actually trying to do something about this. So over the weekend I went for a 2.5 mile run/walk on Saturday, and a 3 mile walk with Luca on Sunday. And yesterday I walked to D's daycare center, which is 5.2 miles round trip. Since it's so nice out again today, I plan on doing another walk in the afternoon. I'm pretty happy with this progress since I remember barely being able to do 1.5 miles in a day by the end of my pregnancy.

(Of course my reward this morning is that I actually weighed 2 lbs MORE, which was really annoying. Which means that I suppose I should start counting my calories too. This sucks. :-P)

I also decided to start doing the 100 push-ups challenge again. I thought that I'd have to start with the absolute easiest program, but it turns out that I'm only back to the baseline strength I was at in July and not any weaker than that. So I am starting out with the *second* easiest push-up routine. Which means that today I did 6-6-4-4-5, which I was pretty pleased with. It didn't even feel that hard.

People keep telling me not to worry about losing weight yet, but I'm almost 8 weeks postpartum, and I've started to feel like a lump. I'd love to be back at 125 by mid-May when I go to my conference so that I have a prayer of fitting into at least one of my nicer outfits without looking like a sausage.

The off switch

How to get D to go to sleep:

The prep:

1. Make sure she's been changed recently (mostly because once she's down it'll probably be for a couple of hours and we'd prefer she not lie in a bath of poo+pee the whole time.

2. Make sure she's clothed adequately (65 degrees or less = onesie + cotton footie sleeper = fleece swaddle blanket)

3. Feed her.

4. Turn on white noise machine (optional)

The off switch:

1. Swaddle her.

2. Lie her sideways on boppy in lap.

3. Jiggle slightly

4. If necessary, sing/hum softly

If she wakes up when you put her down, repeat. This technique *usually* works within 10-15 minutes, though it has been known to work in 10 seconds also.

Sunday

Last night was rough. Or would have been had Luca not gotten up and put D in the swing and hung out with her downstairs for a while. So in exchange this morning I got up at 8 and let Luca sleep for another 1.5 - 2 hours or so.

After that the day got substantially better.

We went for an extended walk to the Penn campus and back, and ran into some friends on the way, and chatted, while D napped in the stroller for about an hour.

Then we had lunch, and D sacked out again for a nice 2 hour nap.

Previously, D had needed to take all naps on my lap. However recently we discovered if we swaddled her she could *occasionally* be put down to sleep. Which, let me tell you, it helps so much to be able to have my arms free to do other things like... I don't know, pet the dog?

The child instruction manual warned against "too much" swaddling because it could impair motor development. We decided that she wouldn't be doing much motor development anyway while she was napping anyway, and that it was probably more important for her to consolidate her naps. The Boo enjoyed a nice nap too while Luca ironed and we talked and hung out.

I realize that while I may look like I also could use a nap in the above picture, I'm doing pretty well today.

Then D woke up and we gave her bath. D loves baths.

(Luca wouldn't let me post the completely adorable naked picture of D in the tub. He said she would never forgive us when she was a teenager. I figure it's good fodder for a wedding toast if nothing else. Haha.)

Then Luca dressed her. I love this sleeper, even though Luca thinks it makes D look like a little Republican. Unfortunately Carters doesn't make a footie sleeper with donkeys on it. :-P

Then we put D in the swing, and she took another 90 minute nap. I talked on the phone with my friend K who I haven't spoken to in AGES while Luca went to the grocery store and picked up our dinner from Desi Village. It was great catching up with K. I miss her!

We did a round of laundry, ate really fast, and fed the dog. D woke up *just* in time to munch on my boobies while we started watching The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.

It was a good day! And I even had a chance to do about an hour of work, and may have *even* found something new and interesting to put into one of my manuscripts. Woo!

Now she's getting fussy (as is expected for 7:30), and Luca's going to walk the Boo soon and we're going to get ready for bed. We are lame lame lame, but if one day this enables me to wake up with D at 5:30 in the morning without feeling like I want to die in the process (that was a little bit of hyperbole, but not that much), I'll gladly do it.

Hopefully the rest of the week will be as lovely as today! It's supposed to be in the 70s all week. AMAZING!! Sounds like it might be time for some marathon walks.

Chores chores chores

Philadelphia taxes

Laundry

More laundry

Assemble crib

Go for run + bathe (the fun of the day)

Walk the dog x3

To say nothing of the revolving door o' feedings and diaper changes.

These were the activities of the day.

And tomorrow we still need to:

Get curtain rods for bedroom (and hang them)

Grocery shop

Bathe the baby

Luca wants to iron his shirts too (he refuses to use the cleaners)

And now it's time to get ready for bed.

Ugh.

Then Luca goes back to work and I am car-less and help-less for another 5 days.

All we do when we're together are chores. When I finally sit down to watch 30 minutes of tv with him, he tries to dump the baby back in my lap so he can sneak off to iron his shirts -- DURING THE WITCHING HOUR.

Not cool honey. Not cool.

This sucks.

And to think I used to look forward to my weekends!

Updates

Yesterday I was supposed to call in for a meeting, but I was running late (who knew my walk would take 5 hours? I sure didn't!), so I texted my PI to let him know, and to ask if I could call in 15 minutes late.

No reply.

So I emailed his project manager to confirm that there was actually a meeting.

Again, no reply.

Not sure what that's about. It's not a primary project of mine -- I'm just consulting -- so I don't care *that* much. Still it would be nice to know what is going on, and to be reassured that I haven't just been cut out of the project because I went on maternity leave.

*****

My dad said, "Well maybe they're trying to be nice to you by not making you call in while you're on maternity leave."

I said, "It's not their decision to make. It's been my choice to call in all along."

Him, "Huh, I'd never thought about it that way."

*Face palm*

All of this has me feeling paranoid that they think I was doing a bad job, or that I've lost my touch since going on maternity leave. Most likely it's just an oversight. This is the project where when I call in, nobody even remotely makes an effort to speak near the microphone, and where I can't hear anything anyway.

And if it's not an oversight? Who gives a crap. At this point, I just want to get my projects done so I can finish my degree and GTFO of there. This extra project is gravy.

Only one more week of maternity leave left!

*****

I wonder how fast babies' vision develops. It seems like D now has awareness of my presence, and perhaps can even see me when I'm 6 feet away or so. Today when I put her in the basket so that I could shower, she watched me as I stepped into the shower, which previously she wasn't able to do. She also looks for ceiling fans when we are sitting down, when previously we had to stand for her to see them.

D's motor development has made great strides in the past week or so. On the activity mat this morning during tummy time she lifted her head off the mat by about an inch for an extended period of time. She was able to rotate her head left and right relatively easily. And then she tried mightily to roll over.

She's also using more verbal noises to convey what she wants. She coos, screeches, yells, and does a wide variety of other vocalizations. I don't know what she wants most of the time, which is probably very frustrating for her. It's fun trying to figure it out though.

She's been pretty fussy today, due I suspect to being overtired. She kept being woken by Boo's barking a bunch of times today. I just swaddled her which seems to have helped. I swear, the swaddle blanket is like a narcotic.

Hopefully later we'll go for a walk.

*****

I booked my trip to SF this morning. The agent I talked to about D's ticket seemed incredulous that I'd want to buy her her own seat. Hello! This is a 6+ hour flight we're talking about! If it were shorter I'd totally bring her as a lap baby, but Luca and I decided that we'd all be much more comfortable if she had her own seat next to us.

I'm only going to the conference for two days, but hopefully that will be enough to get some good networking in.

*****

I'd really like to get a draft of this paper to my PI in two weeks or so. All of my analyses will be done by the end of this week, most likely. I just need to figure out why it's still an important subject.

*****

At our last project meeting on Wednesday, my PI came up with some wackadoo way of showing that ICU readmissions were beneficial to patients. I did not understand his logic at all. This could mean one of two things: 1) His logic made no sense, or 2) I am considerably dumber than I used to be.

Why is it that I always assume that it's the latter? In reality his logic *often* doesn't make sense. I just have no confidence in myself, and am afraid to tell him that I don't understand and/or that what he's saying doesn't make sense.

*****

The Pauline Chen interview in the NYT that came out yesterday was with a researcher that we collaborated with a year or so ago on a manuscript about disclosure of rationing to patients and families in the ICU. Our collaborator actually touched on the subject of that paper in the interview. I thought this was was really really cool.

Question for you, dear readers

Ok dear readers question for you:

I have a conference in San Francisco May 19-23rd. D is coming with me, and Luca is also coming so that he can take care of her when I have to present. We'll either fly out Saturday afternoon or perhaps Sunday, depending on the ticket prices and schedule.

So here's the question: My presentation is on Tuesday afternoon at 2PM. Should we fly back on Tuesday night on the red eye? Or on Wednesday morning on an 8AM or 11AM flight. Initially I was thinking it might be nice to get out of there Tuesday night, but that would mean a) toting our stuff around the conference center all day, b) Luca and I not sleeping much Tuesday night, and then not being able to catch up on Weds because D will probably not let us.

So then I started thinking that Wednesday morning would be better since we could leave directly from the hotel after a full-ish night of sleep.

Thoughts? What would you do if you were us?

Walk

Today it was 70 degrees out, and to celebrate, I met up with another grad student friend of mine who also has a baby and went for a long walk.

A really long walk.

About 6 miles(!), according to mapmyrun.com. We walked all the way into center city, had lunch outside, and then walked back. It was kind of windy on the way back, but still sunny and warm.

It was awesome. I'm a little worried I'll pay for it later though. I fed D at 6AM, 9AM, 12PM, and 3PM.... but the 12PM feeding was a little light I think, since I did it in public (first time public feeding for me!!) and I couldn't really see what she was doing under the blanket that I used to cover us up.

Also, she usually takes her first nap of the day about 2-3 hours after she wakes up.... and today she didn't really take a good nap until after I fed her at lunch at around 1 or so. She was still really sleepy when we got home, and although she ate at 3PM again, it was also a small meal, and now she's sacked out again.

I'm worried that all of these disruptions are going to cause a major meltdown around bedtime tonight, or a night of crappy sleep.

Sigh.

Tomorrow's Friday, so if that happens we'll have the weekend to recover soon enough.

But also, I need to stop stressing about these things. If you look at the data, she actually ate on a reasonable schedule today, and she's currently making up for being up a little longer than usual this morning by sleeping more now. Plus, if I obsess too much, I run the risk of never leaving my house, never taking her anywhere, and never doing anything fun with other mothers. It's *good* for us to get out and do activities! I'm so much happier when I can get out of the house!

Anyway. Hopefully the nice weather will continue and we'll be able to go for another long walk again soon.

Witching hour

Between 6:30 and 8:30 every night, D gets really fussy.

Fortunately, this is when Luca usually arrives home.

Unfortunately, he's usually wiped out from a day at work and has a tendency to get sucked into his email. Grrrrrr.....

But I recently found out that we're not alone! Apparently, it's not uncommon for newborns to have a witching hour, and this fussiness generally peaks at 6 weeks.

Woo! It's gonna get better.

In the mean time how do I deal with this, a friend wanted to know.

Well, we put D in the bouncy seat, and when that doesn't work, the swing, and when that doesn't work, we feed her. And one of us holds her while we make dinner, and then we eat REALLY REALLY fast. Tonight we sat on the kitchen floor with our dinners because D was in her bouncy seat there, and *wasn't* fussing, and we didn't want to awake the beast.

And that's about all you can do.

Last night was a banner night in the sleep department: 9-1:30, 2:30-5:30. Crossing my fingers for another one tonight. A 6AM (or later) wakeup would be brilliant!

Excuse me while I rant for a moment

One day, I think I'm just going to rip our security door off its hinges. On purpose. Because I am mad. At it.

About 4 months ago, the mechanism that closes the door ripped out of the door frame. Now unless you slam it, the door will not close. This results in a lot of door flapping and banging, especially if it's windy. Which causes Boo to bark. Every single time.

Which wakes D up. Every single time (though less lately.... THANK GOD).

Now in addition the door's knob has become difficult to turn. It seems like it is locked when it is not.

This causes the mail delivery people to ring the bell. Over and over and over again. Every single morning.

This morning, the 4th time it happened, I got to the door in time and said to the post lady, "Hey, you can leave the mail in between the doors, it's not locked."

She said that the door WAS locked. When I showed her it wasn't, she said that I was lying, and that I had just unlocked it.

I called her a bad name.

I suspect that we won't be getting our mail delivered in the future.

:-P

I guess what I find frustrating about this is *I* can't fix the door myself with a baby and a dog to deal with during the day, and Luca completely dropped the ball on this for the past 4 months.

It's worth noting that as an alternative to fixing the door -- out of his own laziness -- Luca has proposed getting Miss Boo a bark collar. Why fix the door when you can engage in animal cruelty instead! What a fantastic solution, sweetie.

When I asked my dad to do it on his visit, he happily said that he'd do it, until he realized that it wasn't going to be the simple 10 second fix that he'd planned upon. Then he had a tantrum about it, told me it was my fault that he couldn't fix it since I was missing a critical piece. Then he told me how horrible I was for telling hit that it was ok that he wasn't able to do it.

(He was mad because he felt that I was unfairly characterizing him as "unable" to fix the door. He felt he'd be able to do it if I'd only supplied him with all the necessary pieces. This is despite the fact that I told him where he could go find the Lowes if he was missing something he needed. This is one of the charming interactions I had with my family when they visited last week, and is one of the reasons they are not going to be asked back to "help" again any time in the near future.)

I guess I'm just frustrated because a) this broken door seriously Fs up my life during the week, b) I can't fix it myself, c) the people who CAN fix it have neglected to despite my repeated requests since it doesn't actually bother them all that much, and d) having to soothe my father's ego about being unable to fix the door was really over the top.

Sorry this isn't the most thrilling blog post. I just needed a space to blow off some steam this morning.

On the positive side, D went back to sleep after being woken up by the Boo (for the 4th time in a row), and I didn't even have to pick her up. Score!

Bad Mother

A friend of mine recently told me about the book by Ayelet Waldman called Bad Mother. I'd never heard of it before... but I guess that's more of a testament to how out of touch with what being a parent is like is to those who are non-parents -- or at least how out of touch *I* was.

Anyway, apparently it's controversial to say that you love your husband more than you love your kids? I had no. idea. Apparently it's so controversial that to say so could engender extreme ire from other mommies, and incite them to tell you that they're going to call Child Protective Services on you!

But reality check, people: Isn't it possible to love both, equally, but in different ways? Or to love your husband more, but still love your kids a whole heck of a lot?

To put it another way, since when is the amount of love a person is capable of feeling towards others finite? A commodity to be split among those in your life who are deserving of it, in quantities that are socially acceptable to the judging masses? Who knew that even the recipients of your love was fair game for criticism from other mothers!

I mean, D is great and all, but I still really love Luca. I don't know what I would do without him. AND I still love my dog. And not any less because I have D now. I don't see this as meaning that I a) don't love my daughter, or b) don't love my daughter enough.

If anything, having D, and seeing how Luca is around her has made me feel closer than ever to him. I feel like we're a real family now. Is that weird? Is everyone going to tell me that that's going to change as D grows up? That I will start loving him less than her? I dunno.... that kind of seems like what people told me about what would happen to Luca's and my relationship once I started med school. You know, ALL relationships die once med school starts. In particular if it's the woman who goes to med school.

Anyway, who knew that how I feel about my husband was subject to the judgement of the mommy police too. Sheesh. Some of us ladies really need to get a life!

*****

Unrelated question: D seems like she has been more gassy than before. LOTS of farting, and more spitting up lately. And she seems more fussy because of it, like she'll fuss fuss fuss, then let out a big fart or burp, and then stop fussing. Is this something that just happens from time to time?

Also, the diaper rash has come back.... though I attribute that to Luca not using the Desitin over the weekend, part of me wonders whether her poo has become more corrosive to her behind these past few days.

Any thoughts? My diet is essentially exactly the same as it was before, and she seems well in every other way. Good appetite, no fever, alert, awake, etc.

Happy 6 week birthday!

To my daughter sometimes I think I am just a pair of tits.

D has been smiling at Luca for a week now when he changes her, and finally -- FINALLY -- she smiled at me last night when I played her first game of peek-a-boo with her. Luca is also better at getting her to stop crying. I am telling myself that because she views me as the food supply, if she's mad and I pick her up she expects to nurse. If the boobies are not forthcoming, this disrupts her world and she becomes even more upset.

Or maybe it's because I'm a shitty mother?

She did smile at me again this morning while we were dancing to some music and I was singing to her.... which was really sweet. She started wailing about 5 minutes later though. I think it was because she was overtired. I changed her (where she peed all over everything, leading to clothing change round 2 of the day and more tears) and put her in the pack n play and she cried for 90 seconds inconsolably while I set up the boppy so I could feed her.... during which time she passed out. I'll feed her when she wakes up, I suppose, which will probably be in about 20 minutes.

A friend complained about her research project on facebook. One of the comments she received said, "Just take a look at your children and you'll remember what's really important, and you won't be so annoyed with your research anymore." It made me want to barf. I can't WAIT until I have some help with D so that I can get back to my research. I miss it so much! Yet another way in which I'm a shitty mother, I suppose.

I ran into a classmate who has an 18 month old in daycare. She told me that her son was hospitalized for RSV which he caught at daycare when he was 3 months old. How shitty a mommy am I for looking forward to sending her? Probably only an awful selfish woman would knowingly send her child to such a germ factory. More guilt for me. Yay!

In other news, D weighed 11 lbs 5 oz at the research study on Friday. That's 13 oz she put on over 9 days guys. The research coordinator said it was probably a growth spurt, but she hasn't even seemed that voracious compared to normal (she always eats a lot).

Luca and I had brunch with some friends who have a 6 month old. The mom reported that she was constantly afraid that she was starving her baby, and that her milk supply was inadequate. I told her I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to raise a child with an attachment disorder (I worry about the eating too, but less so after her weigh ins). I guess everybody has their thing that they worry about most.

She's becoming a lot more interactive. She grasped a rattle (picture below) with her right hand, and "threw" it across her mat (I am pretty sure this was involuntary).

She has also recently discovered the Boo, and is fascinated by her. Boo returns this interest, but not in a scary way.

Two days ago she discovered her hands. Now they reside in her mouth 50% of the time (the other 50% of the time she is sleeping or nursing).

She remains fascinated by the ceiling fans, and has now discovered them in the other rooms of the house. She can stare at them for what seems like ages (probably because she is so heavy and my arms and back ache when I hold her so she can see them). D also looked at her Italian grandparents while Luca was skyping them yesterday (I was sleeping). They went completely bananas. And last night she D discovered Luca's and my wedding picture on the wall of our bedroom and was completely transfixed by it. This made Luca all teary eyed and sentimental. It was very sweet.

And you can see, D really is daddy's girl.

As a side note, my friend told me that the breastfeeding support group had several mommies in attendance when she went who did not vaccinate their kids. So, we will not be attending the support group after all. At least not until D receives her 2 month vaccines three weeks from now. This was Luca's idea, of course -- I can't say I don't see his point, but he's not the one locked up in the house all day long either. So, five more days of isolation for me this week. Yay.

Run

Luca got up at 7 today after I fed D, and hung out with her for 2.5 hours while I slept in.

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

Then I fed her again -- seriously, the girl ate from 9:30 - 11:30.

And then Luca took her upstairs to try to put her down for a nap while I -- wait for it -- WENT FOR A RUN.

It was my first run since, oh, August?

I did 2 miles, broken up as follows: 5 min run, 3 min walk, 6 min run, 3 min walk, 7 min run, walk home (I didn't measure how many minutes it was, but it was roughly 3-4 blocks).

Aside from the giant stitch in my side, it felt great. Also, I went very very slowly. Almost as slowly as I walk. The stitch was expected because that always happens to me when I pick up running again after a hiatus.

Note: I need a tighter bra. My old ones did fit, which I was somewhat surprised at given the state of the jugs these days.

Another note: It would probably be more comfy if I gave D her vitamins (which are suspended in this sticky syrup -- she slurps them up) *after* I finished feeding her, since my nipples became covered in said sticky syrup, and this felt less than pleasant inside my sports bra.

Anyway, I should really go shower and relieve Luca so that he can get some rest. I am thinking that we need to set up the crib and start putting her down for her naps in it during the afternoon a) so she's ready for daycare in a month and a half, and b) so she learns to nap in places other than on top of me. Maybe if we have time we can set it up this weekend.

Otherwise, next weekend. It sucks that we can only do this two days of the week. Stupid jobs!

Motherhood

When anything you say might be construed as judgmental.

Are mothers allowed to say positive things about their offspring / be excited about things they do?

For instance:

If I say, "I couldn't believe that D looked like she might roll over last night! She's not supposed to do that for another month! She didn't, but Luca and I watched her for about 10 minutes, and she looked like she was almost there."

Do I come across as a competi-mommy?

I'm certain that to at least some people, I do.

The reality is that I'm just excited about what I saw. Because having a baby, and watching him or her develop and do things is COOL. Furthermore, I don't think less of anybody elses baby who hasn't done this yet, and I'm fully cognizant that a) she still might not roll over for another 2 months, and b) there are probably many other developmental milestones that she will do later than other children. Than YOUR child.

It reminds me of when I told some med school friends that I was really excited about getting my first manuscript accepted, and they told me that I should stop bragging.

Rules of Female "Friendships":

One of the things that I've learned over the past few years is that if you want people to like you, you need to be a good listener. Which also means that you should never ever talk about yourself. If you talk about yourself, most other people will get bored (just as you're getting bored listening to other people talk about *themselves*).

If you DO talk about yourself, say something self deprecating, or tell people how bad things are for you. Inferior women are intrinsically more likable. If you tell people about something good that happened to you, there's a good chance that people will like you less, either consciously or unconsciously. At very least you might be accused of bragging or (the horror) thinking that you're better than everyone else.

True friendship is measured by the reciprocal nature of the listening, but unfortunately is hard to come by as an adult.

In the meantime, I'll stick to "bragging" about my baby to my immediate family only.

Haha.

Because she's totally awesome.

2 weeks

Only two weeks left of my maternity leave. Scary!!

I don't have childcare lined up for the first week back, but I'm hoping that since I only really have two meetings each week that I actually need to attend that I will be able to finagle something at the last minute. Maybe Luca can work from home for one of them? Sweetie, are you reading this?? If not, I may postpone attendance for one more week.

The week after, my in-laws will be here, and my hope is that they can provide the childcare for my meetings AND for me to get work done during the day. I've been reasonably productive on my maternity leave, but I'm going to have to get serious when I get back so that I can graduate on time.

I am attending a meeting for people planning on graduating in 2014 on April 30th about the return to clinics from the PhD phase, which is D's first day of daycare. Wow time is moving fast.

*****

I joined the breastfeeding support group listserv, and plan on starting the meetings next week. Hopefully I'll meet some people there that I like.

*****

Since we started swaddling D, her nighttime sleep seems to have improved. However she protests the swaddling big time. I have to laugh a bit. We'll velco the blanket without event, and then a moment later she'll realize that she can't move her arms anymore. Then she'll start screeching. "WAAAAA! WAAAAA! WAAAAA!" with tongue vibrating and everything. Obviously furious.

Then silence. And you'll look down and she's already completely sacked out. So CUTE!!

*****

I have another research study appt tomorrow. I better give D a bath today so that they don't tsk tsk me on my baby's cleanliness! At least her diaper rash is healed up, so they won't get to make snarky comments about that. Oh well. More free diapers for me. This time we may even get size TWOs!

*****

Ok, just set up another model to run. Now I'm going for a walk. It's sunny today afterall!

WV

Also, the new word verification tool that blogger is using is annoying. I turned it off. I'm still doing comment moderation though.

Hopefully this will streamline things for you guys if you're interested in commenting but can't get those pesky WV letters right!

Excercise + Sanity

I had my post-natal appt yesterday and was cleared to exercise.

Yay yay yay!!! I've been going for walks now for the past couple of weeks, which have really helped me keep my sanity, and I am so excited to start trying to run and lift weights again. Not to lose weight or anything, but in the hopes that my sanity will continue to improve.

My challenge now is to figure out *how* to exercise since there is literally nobody to watch the baby during the day for me while I go for a 20 minute run (my neighbor who said she'd help has proven to be flaky, and most recently slightly psychotic, so obviously that is not going to happen....). I can lift weights in my house, and go up and down the stairs, but I'd really like to go outside. I guess I could hire a sitter for this... how DOES one do that?

It's kind of a moot point today because of the rain though. Actually for the next couple of days if the weather channel is telling the truth. Bleh.

*****

My parents came to "help" these past few days, but it turned mostly into a social visit, which is what I was afraid of. They had a hard time watching D by themselves, since anytime she started crying and rocking her in the glider didn't work *immediately*, they'd be like, "OMDG -- she's crying. Do something." Or they'd tell me what they thought she needed done. Which was always wrong. Or they would ignore her crying and play with their electronic devices while she wailed. Sigh. I'm going to pretend that everything was ok when I left D with them for my drs appt yesterday. I really hope that when I wasn't there, they felt less inhibited and took more initiative and she didn't spend the entire 2 hours screaming with them throwing their hands up in despair.

My dad tried -- he made chili for dinner last night and vacuumed, and that was very appreciated, but it was clear that both parents found interacting with the baby and helping in other ways highly anxiety inducing, which in turn made things anxiety inducing for me. And last night at 7:45, right as we started getting ready for bed, they announced that they wanted to photograph the baby. Right then. Thank God Luca was there to run interference. If I'd said no, no doubt they would have been hurt and/or told me how inconsiderate I was.

*****

In an attempt to regain my sanity (and to enjoy the lovely weather) I went for a walk yesterday afternoon. On the walk I ran into my friend who has a 6 month old, and we chatted a bit, which was really nice.

On the walk, I also took the Boo. Apparently, it's widely considered "bold and adventurous" / "stupid" to walk one's "ferocious" pit bull with the infant in the baby carrier because I could be pulled off my feet if Boo were to lunge at an animal/plastic bag/small child. This hadn't really occurred to me since the stroller scares me way way way more. I feel so much more mobile and steady with the baby carrier than I do with the stroller.

So as we were chatting, two small children walked by and waved sticks in her face, almost hitting her in the nose. Suffice to say, lunging and barking took place, though the Boo was successfully contained. And then the mother of the children gave me the foulest look. Awesome!! What is with some people?

My friend said that maybe that was how the woman just looked naturally, and that maybe it wasn't directed at me. That the look was directed at the misbehaving children who were probably driving her crazy. I really appreciated that she was able to make me see that alternative explanation for the dirty look, even though it probably wasn't true.

:-)

Yay for surrounding myself with sane people. I need to do this more often.

*****

I suggested the possibility of getting D christened when my in-laws were in the country because it is very important to both sets of parents. My father REALLY wants her baptized at his church, and my in-laws really want her baptized, period, and want to be there for the event.

So option #1 is to do this in April. The issue is that this would involve a 5 hr (both ways) car trip with D, staying over at my parents' house (which is the furthest thing from baby friendly that you could possibly imagine), putting my in-laws up in a hotel, translating everything to them. Basically a complete logistical nightmare.

Option #2 is to do this at my dad's church in CT sometime when D is a bit older, and then again separately in Italy the next time we visit the fam over there. Not sure how two separate baptisms would work (my dad asked if it was "allowed" and I said I didn't see how anyone would possibly ever find out unless we told them), but this might be the more reasonable option.

Option #3 would involve flying the in-laws in from Italy for a separate trip when we did the baptism in CT. Which would be expensive. And a pain -- it's not like Luca's and my vacation is unlimited.

This whole thing is stressing me out, and I feel like I'm trying too hard to accommodate the desires of my relatives. Who I know don't really mean it when they say that it doesn't matter to them.

*****

This visit from my parents really drove home how alone I am taking care of this baby. How literally I have nobody that I can rely on for help if I should need it. I think that's what sucked the most about it.

*****

Last night D slept 9-1, 2:30-4, 4:45-6:00, 6:40-7:10. It wasn't the best night, but it definitely wasn't the worst either.

The Halo Swaddle Sack is the best invention ever. My only regret is that we didn't start using it sooner.

*****

I have the project team meeting to call into today. We'll see how that goes. Last time I did this it was really frustrating because I couldn't hear, but yet I was expected to participate anyway. Also, nobody emailed me the documents we were going over during the meeting in advance, so it was hard for me to comment on them. They said that they would email them to me this week, but I'm kind of not holding my breath.

Also, I'd kind of like to take a nap. And.... if the dog walker doesn't show up soon, I won't be able to fit one in between the walk and the meeting. Joy.

I hate my life.

Thus, I may decide that calling in is not worth the trouble today. On the other hand, the social interaction / feeling plugged in at school at least might be good for me. I'm torn. We'll see how I feel when 2PM rolls around.

*****

Apparently there's a breastfeeding support group in West Philly on Wednesdays at Studio 34, with a listserv and everything that I'd like to start going to. I think it might help my feelings of isolation to get to know more mommies in the area, and to get more plugged into my community. I think I'll give the organizer a call to see what the deal is with the group, and how to get on the listserv.

Pregnant in Residency Follow Up

I ran across this quote from Tina Fey from last Spring when she was talking about her 2nd pregnancy:

A successful producer and writer as wells as an actress, Fey took stock of her career. "Science shows that fertility and movie offers drop off steeply for women after 40," she writes.

But then, she wonders, "What's so great about work anyway? Work won't visit you when you're old. Work won't drive you to get a mammogram and take you out after for soup."

In the end, she realizes, "Hollywood be damned. I'll just be unemployable and labeled crazy in five years anyway."

And that's exactly it. Work is work, but family can be something special. To put it another way, do most people lie on their deathbed saying to themselves, "I really wish I'd worked 80 hours a week instead of 60?" No, I don't think that's what most people do.

Why sacrifice having a family for a job you a) might grow to hate, and b) which might ultimately reject you anyway? Obviously, work hard at what you do and be considerate of others, but if you want a baby, have a baby. Snarky and unsupportive co-residents be damned.

Is that a smile?

OK it might just be gas, but I'll take it!

Also, last night:

9-1, 2-5, 6-7:30

Here's hoping I didn't just jinks myself for tonight.

Thanks for all your suggestions!

The diaper rash is improving. Slowly. I think the Nystatin was irritating her skin and making it worse, so we d/c'd that and have just been using the Desitin. I also started using cotton balls and warm water drizzled over it to clean her behind off instead of wipes, and bought some butt paste at CVS last night when we went to pick up some more cotton balls. This AM I tried some leftover lanolin from when my nipples were sore.

We also took her out last night to Local 44! By "night" I mean around 3PM, of course. It went really well. She was alert, but quiet, and seemed to enjoy the new view from her car seat. She fussed a little, but you could barely hear it over the bar noise. Thank you for emboldening me to take her. I'm trying to think of other activities I can do with her that are close to my house + low key to keep myself from going stir crazy.

We also got her a very fancy bouncy seat that vibrates, plays music, and has moving animals. She LOVED it. Luca worked on a presentation for work while she bounced and I took the Boo for a walk, and it worked out well. She did eventually get sick of it though, and now she's in the swing.

The parenting instruction manual warned us not to use these parent-replacement tools (i.e. bouncy seat, swing, etc.) too much because they can soon replace actual human interaction. Do you know how irritating I find that book? Every time we find something that works for us, the book is all like, "You could seriously F up your child's development by doing that." I am not worried about these gadgets replacing human interaction with the D. You know why? When she wants more interaction, she lets us know. Loudly. And until recently, she didn't interact all that much anyway.

Today: Get guest BR ready for parents' arrival tomorrow, groceries, bathe dog (maybe), go for walk -- it's really nice out!, let Luca nap for a while. I really hope I have more downtime than it seems like I will. It sucks when your weekend gets filled with chores.

Article

Did anyone else see the Pauline Chen article in the NYT the other day about an article in the Archives of Surgery that polled surgical residents on their attitudes towards becoming pregnant during residency?

It turns out (shocker) that male AND female residents have unfavorable attitudes towards other residents that become pregnant, and that doing things like rearranging call schedules and giving residents 6 weeks off without berating them over it is considered going above and beyond by many residents.

And then there were the comments.

As one might expect, there were a lot of people who felt that the abuse and the negative attitude was warranted because these women were CHOOSING to be pregnant. That such women were selfish and doing a disservice to their patients. Quite frankly, the people who commented to that effect came across as jerks.

What was my reaction?

I thought that anyone who decided not to have children in order to avoid enraging a bunch of people with these antiquated attitudes, who were obviously selfish turds themselves, must be completely insane. Reading their comments made me feel even better about my decision to have a child. Why would I want to sacrifice such an important part of my life to appease people who are so repugnant?

And also, being a doctor, working hard, and being committed to your job is obviously important, but if anyone thinks that it will EVER be more important to me than my husband or daughter, then they really need to stop smoking the wacky weed.

Anyway, those are just my 2 cents.

3-3-1-1

9-12, 1-4, 5-6, 7-8

That was how D slept last night.

Glorious!

Today as I was getting in the shower, she was fussing a bit, and I called her name and she turned and looked in my direction, and (temporarily) stopped fussing. So cute! She totally melted me.

She also reached for her Mortimer the Moose toy and the rattle on the activity board this morning. And it took 4 minutes before she became really pissed off and frustrated doing tummy time (she's been so fussy this week that we really haven't been able to do it at all these past couple of days), so I count this as progress.

She's been generally happier and easy going today. Also, she is drinking milk like a champion. I'd started pumping in the AM to start creating a store of frozen milk so that Luca and I can eventually leave her with a sitter and go out for a hamburger or something, and most mornings I've been able to get 2-3oz. This morning I got 1 oz, and this was after she nursed for an especially long time on both sides. I will try to pump again a little later so that I can store at least 2 oz... but man, she is a hungry little monkey!

I think part of our problem the other day was that she was sore from her shot. Luca and I were discussing this last night and decided that when she gets her 5 shots next peds visit, I should try to schedule the visit for a Friday so that if (when) she feels poozely afterwards I will have his help over the weekend.

Question about diaper rash -- Miss D now has a red behind, and was prescribed some Nystatin to help with it. We were also told to wash the area with H20 instead of wipes during diaper changes, and if possible to allow her to be diaperless (and clothing-less) for some time every day to dry the area out.

How do I do this? She poos/pees every hour almost. Also, it's cold in my house, even with the heat turned up, and I worry that if we were to try this, I'd end up carrying her around and bouncing her to calm her down/warm her up, and then she go to the bathroom all over me. Any suggestions on how I can make this treatment a reality?

Also, any other suggestions re: diaper rash? I've been trying to change her at least every 2 hours, but I don't want to wake her for a change if she's sleeping (especially at night). If she has a big loud poop during the day, I'll change her soon after I hear it, but I can't always tell that she's wet herself.

*****

I've almost finished going over my proofs for my manuscript. I had a couple of corrections, but I was pleased to see that it still read pretty well. Hopefully in my sleep deprived/quasi impaired state I haven't missed anything major. I'm letting her sleep/lie while awake in my lap on the boppy so that I can actually get this done before the deadline today. Hopefully that will be enough.

I'm excited for the weekend. Not sure if we're going to do anything (probably not), but it will be nice to have Luca around. I'd really like to get out of the house though. Last night I was the one who went out to pick up the pizza, and it felt SO NICE just to be driving and outside going somewhere. Any suggestions of baby friendly locales? One thought is perhaps an extended walk along the river. We thought of taking her to Local 44 so that I could have a burger, and Luca could have a beer, but I worry that a) there would be no booths available, b) the waitresses (who are kind of bitchy there) would give me attitude, or c) that she would get fussy during the meal and we'd have to feed/walk/bounce her. Not sure if it's too soon to take her places... thoughts on this?

Conversations

Last Saturday, I'm sitting in the kitchen enjoying my first uninterrupted meal in a week while my husband watches D. He comes in and says, "OMDG I have to go to the bathroom."

"And?" I say.

"Well, I have to go now. Like RIGHT NOW."

"What's your point?" I ask him.

"What do you mean?" Thrusting the baby in my direction.

"I'm not taking her," I tell him, "What do you think I do when you're at work and I have to go to the bathroom? Figure it out."

Nobody better ever accuse me of micromanaging how he cares for the baby.

****

Then we had last night. Luca is in charge of nighttime diaper changes, and last night before bed I handed him the Nystatin we'd just picked up at the pharmacy for her diaper rash.

So, it's 2AM and I ask whether he's been using both the Nystatin and the Desitin at the same time. Whether the Nystatin is a paste like the Desitin.

"Oh I didn't use the Desitin last time I changed her," he says.

"Yes, but is the Nystatin a paste?" I ask.

"What do you mean?"

"The Nystatin, that we have for her diaper rash. Have you been using it? It needs to be applied 3-4 times per day."

"Huh?"

"Have you used it AT ALL yet?"

"No."

"WTF honey. Do you think I handed you the tube last night when you were changing her for MY good health?"

*****

Yesterday my husband gets home from jury duty at 4PM or so. Ever since I've been home from the pediatrician's office, D has been crying, and I literally JUST finished feeding her, and for the first time all day she is sleeping peacefully in the basket.

Luca decides he's going to skype his parents, and before I can do anything about it, he's picking up our blissfully sleeping child to exhibit her to his parents.

I look up from my email as she lets out a wail.

I fucking hate you, honey.

"I was just trying to make them happy," he explains.

"You should be trying to make ME and YOUR DAUGHTER happy," I tell him, "I don't give a crap if your parents are happy."

*****

I was reading the facebook status update of a friend who had a baby also about a month before I did. HER baby slept 5.5 hours through the night at three weeks.

Bitch.

I feel like everyone else I know has a baby who "sleeps through the night" at 6 weeks, and mine is almost that age and is still doing 2 hours blocks around the clock at most. Is it that people suffer along doing what I'm doing until their baby sleeps through the night, and then they announce it to the whole world because they are so ecstatic? I wonder if I'm ever going to get more than 2.5 hours of consecutive sleep again.

*****

D has slept 3.5 hours in a row twice now. Last night was a good night, since she slept 3,2,2,2,1. I know, it sounds great right? Until you realize that each of those blocks I am up for an hour feeding her.

Tonight she slept from 9-11. While feeding her at 11 I fell asleep sitting up in bed, and woke up to a completely numb right hand at 12:30. Optimistically, I put her down. She woke up hungry again at 12:50 and didn't go back to sleep until I put her in the swing. Now I'm debating whether it would be ok, since she is strapped into the swing, to sleep on the couch while she gets swung. Is it possible to be damaged from being swung for an hour? Not that it matters anyway. It's almost 3AM which means it will be time to feed her again soon. In either 15 minutes, or 75 minutes.

*****

And of course I have to work on my proofs tomorrow today. Joy. I wonder if she'll stop crying for long enough for me to do that. Last week Luca promised me that he'd watch D for a couple of hours so I could get this done, but that was before his boss gave him a presentation to finish preparing by Thursday evening.

I wonder how long I'll have to listen to my husband complain about the presentation which has (of course) made it impossible for him to watch D, or if he'll finally shut about about it.

As a side note...

I received the proofs for my manuscript, and I have 48 hrs to go over them and make any corrections.

I love how this email comes 3 hrs after the pediatrician said to take it easy on myself and not try to do any work while on maternity leave, especially since D is eating every 90 minutes (still).

And 1 day after my husband tells me that his boss moved up a deadline three days to Thursday evening, and since he has jury duty today he doesn't even get to work on it until this evening.

Bleh.

1 month

D had her 4 week well baby visit today. We've seen a different pediatrician each time we've gone, mostly because the receptionist barely seems to be able to schedule a visit at a particular time, let alone be able to schedule it with a particular provider... but in any case, I really liked the doctor I saw this week.

She apparently collaborates with researchers in my department. Who knew! Anyway, she was a really interesting woman, who told me that she'd done MD-PhD as well (in engineering) and then had done a peds residency, doing 1 year part time, and then tacking on 6 months to her residency. She did this so that she could have kids during residency. And now she does research and sees patients, and the research is going so well, it's begun to eat into her clinic days.

I've heard SO OFTEN in the past that I should not reproduce lest it F-up my career. Yet I seem to be finding all of these women who had as many kids as they wanted, when they wanted, found bosses who were willing to accommodate them, and have gone on to have fulfilling careers doing a mixture of research and patient care. This is EXACTLY what I want to do with my life. It's very reassuring to find other women who have come before me going down this path and emerging successfully. I kind of want to know what all these people who've told me that it's not possible before were smoking, because apparently it is not only possible, but done with some frequency, at least at the med school I go to.

Now, what I want to know is how she finagled a 1/2 time residency for a year. I'm thinking that she must have split it with someone. I wonder if such an accommodation could be made today under the right circumstances with the right residency director. She said she didn't know if it was even possible to do these days, but who knows what could be done if you knew the right people and asked the right questions, all while being a great worker.

Anyway, D was 10 lbs 8 oz and 22 inches long today, tracking right along at the 85th percentile. It's good to know that all that nursing she's been doing has been put to good use. We got some Nystatin cream for a bit of diaper rash, and hopefully with that and a little Desitin, that will clear up in a couple of days.

D also got her 2nd Hepatitis B shot today. This did NOT make her happy. Her 2 month visit, when she gets her DTaP, PCV, IPV, HIB, and Rotovirus vaccine should be *really fun* (not). At least the Rotovirus one is oral.

:-)

Boo is really needy

Since the baby came home, we've actually given Miss Boo MORE attention than she was given when I was pregnant. We hired the dog walker, and she now goes on TWO (not one) long walks per day.

The thing is, it seems to make no difference. She's become a nervous basket case. She barks at EVERY noise she hears outside, gets even more worked up than she did before when people come over, and lately when the baby cries (which she causes when she barks -- fun!), shes taken to either a) cowering, or b) hiding upstairs.

It's driving me nuts.

D is doing this thing today where unless I am holding her and walking, she cries. In fact, she cries even IF I am holding her and walking 50% of the time. She is crying right now as I type this, and since I am a horrible mother, I am letting her do it because there is nothing I can do to make her stop anyway.

Just trying to figure out how I'm going to eat lunch today....

Dog Walker -- What would you do?

So, since I've been on maternity leave, I've been having the dog walker come to walk Boo every day at "lunch." The only problem is, it hasn't really been working for us.

1. They come sometime between 11 and 3, even though they are scheduled to come between 12-2. This makes it difficult to do anything during that time. Like nap.

2. The weather has been lovely -- sunny in the 50s -- and I've been itching to go for walks around the neighborhood. The thing is, I'd like to take the dog too, and ideally would go at 2:30 or 3. But if the dog walker hasn't come yet, I can't exactly go then.

3. The dog walker is flakey. She forgot to put Boo on she schedule on Thurs and Fri last week, and I didn't realize it until Friday, so the Boo didn't get a walk over lunch at all on Thurs.

4. Today she was on the schedule (it's posted online), and the dog walker forgot to come. He called me at about 3 to ask if I was able to let him in since he'd forgotten the key. I said told him not to come by at all since I'm taking Boo for a walk myself at 3:30. He then tried to tell me that she wasn't on the schedule again, and that was why he hadn't shown up. Except that she was on the schedule, and I have a saved screen shot to prove it. It's so awesome being lied to.

So here's the problem. If the weather is nice, I can put D in the Ergo, and we can take a lovely stress free stroll around the neighborhood with the dog.

However, if the weather is crappy (below 40 degrees, rainy or snowy, really windy, etc.) this becomes more problematic. I don't think I should take D out if it's like that, but the dog still needs to pee. So I have a couple of options, none of which are terribly appealing.

1. Put on the baby carrier and run outside for 2-3 min while Boo does her thing, and then run back inside.

2. Ask my neighbor C (who is often around during the day, but often not when I need her) whether she can watch D for the 2 minutes it takes Boo to go to the bathroom outside.

3. Strap D into her carseat, leave carseat in the dining room, and take Boo out for 2-3 min. +/- using a baby monitor. The whole idea of leaving D unattended makes me feel SUPER uncomfortable. But the carseat on the floor sounds about as safe as a crib upstairs, and in a few weeks/months I will be leaving her unattended (w/baby monitor) in a crib while she naps. It just seems different and so much worse if I leave the house though. This is, incidentally, what my former neighbor used to do when she had to walk her dog and her baby #2 was really young.

4. Suck it up and keep using the dog walker.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this? 1-4 or some other thoughts? I'd really appreciate anything.

Yesterday went really well

Sorry for all the random pictures. I found I was having too much difficulty choosing, so decided to post all of them. I love the last one where D has her head thrown back, and gravity is pulling her cheeks towards her eyes. She's so cute I could just eat her!

My big accomplishment of the day was being able to finally soothe Miss D without resorting to my breasts. As a result, we were able to go 2 hours between feedings, and she actually drained my boobs when she ate. Hopefully this will lead to fewer plugged ducts.

In addition, I created some variables, ran a few models, went for a walk, and watched a crap load of tv. It was glorious.

Last night we went to bed at 8:30. Luca fed her a bottle and walked her, and then we all finally went to sleep at 9:00 or so. She woke up at 11, 1:30, 4:00, and 7AM. It wasn't bad all things considered, probably because the 1:30 feeding only took 30 minutes instead of the usual 60.

Luca more or less slept from 9-4:30, only getting up for one diaper change at 11. I was really proud of myself for being able to do this for him, since he usually does all the diaper changes, while I do all the feedings. I suppose we could do shifts, but so far this hasn't worked for us.

Anyway, he's back at work now, so hopefully today will go equally smoothly. Haha.

Happy 4 weeks!

Luca and I slept reasonably well last night.... D went for 2.5 hours between feedings, which really isn't SO bad. And then to get us 1 more final hour of sleep between 7:30 and 8:30 this morning, I brought her in the bed with us and nursed her while snoozing. She seems to really like this (as evidenced by the chowing down and lack of crying when we do it).

I seem to have some clogged milk ducts in my right boob. I love how every website I see tells me that I have to "rest" in order to make them go away (and apply hot compresses and massage, and express all milk from that breast by "rotating" the angle Miss D nurses from). Rest. Haha.

Anyway, though I believe I have answered for myself any questions I had about whether I'd ever want to be a stay at home mom (answer: no way in hell), I do still love my daughter and think she's unbelievably cute. So in celebration of her 4 week birthday, I thought I'd bring to you the top 10 cutest things my daughter does that melt my heart. Feel free to stop reading if you find this sort of post annoying.

1. When she sleeps, and she's TOTALLY sacked out, her arms will be flung out above her head.

2. She finds the ceiling fan to be completely fascinating. Also, the window. Not the view *through* the window. The window panes.

3. When she's really hungry and she's focused on my breast, she'll use her abs to hurl her head, mouth agape, at my nipple.

4. Her pretty blue eyes.

5. Watching how much she enjoys her baths (as long as the room and the water are the right temperature).

6. How when she's done eating, she will gleefully rub her face all over my nipple, getting milk all over it, and then fall asleep on my breast as though it were a big fluffy pillow.

7. Her chubby cheeks. And thunder thighs. And big round tummy.

8. Watching Luca dote on his daughter. He sings Italian resistance songs to her when he walks her, and recites Italian poetry. She is transfixed by it.

9. Going for slow, short walks with her and the Boo around the neighborhood.

10. She seems to know the word "milk." She stops crying and looks at my breast when I say it (but not when I say other words). Today Luca came back from walking the Boo, and she stopped crying when she heard his voice too.

*****

We did most of the Federal and State taxes yesterday, and today I just finished creating a bunch of variables for my data analysis. Of course I still have a bunch of results to interpret, but it's nice to feel as though progress is being made, even though it is slow progress.

Baby steps!

I think I'm going to watch some tv now.

Sleep when the baby sleeps

My big toe.

Miss D is now back to sleeping 2 hrs at a clip at night, and will usually be up for at least one period of 2 hrs (in addition to 1 hr for each feeding) overnight. Last night I was so sleepy, I kept falling asleep while I was feeding her, which doesn't help matters because I have to pester her constantly to keep *her* awake while feeding her, and if I don't she falls asleep while eating, and I am up even longer.

Were you going to suggest napping while the baby sleeps during the day? Haha.

If I put her down for, she will start crying almost immediately, certainly within 5-10 minutes at most, and is consolable only by a) walking, or b) feeding her (even if she just ate). I'd rather feed her than walk, since at 10 lbs 3 oz (she's been gaining an oz a day) my back and legs and arms ache when I walk her, and the skin over my abdomen hurts every time my clothing brushes against it because of post-surgical neuropathic pain. The thought of getting out of bed makes me physically ill. Plus it can take upwards of 15 minutes to calm her if I walk her, only to wake up and cry again if I put her down.

Lather rinse repeat. And if I walk her often enough, it will be time for her to eat anyway, so I figure I might as well feed her. That's what the pediatrician told me to do anyway.

She's so reliable with this routine that I started using putting her down as a way of waking her up when she falls asleep after 5 minutes while eating, because it works so much better than blowing on her face or tickling her feet. It's so frustrating that I've basically given up on napping during the day.

The irony is that things are going quite well. She IS consolable, after all. When I start feeling really resentful of how demanding she is I remind myself how much more fun she'll be when she develops colic in a few weeks.

I cannot wait until she goes to daycare so that I don't have to have her physically attached to me 23 hours a day. I can't wait until she quasi-regularly (or ever) sleeps 3 hours at a stretch over night. I spend my days lying in bed waiting for her to start crying so that I have to get up to feed her, feeding her, changing her, and sitting at my computer in a quais-comatose state waiting for her to cry some more (or with her sleeping on my lap so that she won't cry), and waiting for Luca to come home from work so that I can have 60 minutes of "rest" wherein I prepare dinner, walk the dog, and get ready for bed.

Luca helps as much as he can, but I am terrified that in his sleep deprived state, he will get into a car accident on the 1+ hr drive either to or from work down the Schuylkill and die, leaving me to REALLY having to do all of this myself. So I try to make sure he gets at least 5 hours of sleep a night. I sleep more than that over all, so I feel especially guilty when he gets up and walks D before I wake when she starts crying at night.

This sucks.

Good thing she's so damn cute.

Today we....

Luca took 1/2 a day off of work so we could visit and secure our spot at the daycare. He'd been to visit his daycare at his work in the 'burbs and said the following:

It's like comparing our house to a McMansion.

Which is to say, this daycare = our house, while the one in the suburbs = McMansion. This one was loud, a little chaotic, and somewhat messy (but not dirty). But everyone (adults and kids) seemed relaxed and happy. The suburbs one was sterile by comparison. I didn't see the one in the suburbs, so I will take his word for it.

I liked this daycare even better than when I saw it last time. The staff seem very loving towards the children, and they even have several people who have been there for more than 20 years. And we ran into one of my other project team members who had a baby three weeks before I did who is starting her baby in daycare here three weeks before D starts. Which is kind of cool. Like we have an additional endorsement of the daycare from someone who is way more anal retentive than I am.

Then, we came home and had lunch.

And THEN we returned to the local Children's Hospital for a study visit. This one was ok, though the research coordinators really need to learn how not to come off as judge-y. Luca and I have been bathing D once or twice a week, as we are *supposed* to do, but both of us got the sense that the research coordinators thought our baby was dirty. Add this to the judge-y vibe I got last time when they asked me about my EtOH consumption while pregnant, and I revealed (gasp!) that I had consumed around 8 alcoholic beverages in the first trimester before I knew I was pregnant.

Anyway. I know I should not place too much stock in what a bunch of 22 year olds who have no children of their own think of my childcare (no offense 22 year olds with no children who read this blog), but suffice to say it was annoying. And if it gets worse, I *may* decide that participating in this study is not worth my time. Just saying.

Oh well whatever. We got our diapers and our dough. Next visit is in 2 weeks.

And THEN I came home and called into a meeting at school. Which was ok.... but I was having a really hard time hearing what anyone was saying, and you can only say, "What???" about 5 times before it gets really annoying, so at some point I kind of gave up trying to participate.

Holy cow I am tired now. That was one full day. Right now all I want to do is walk the dog and go to bed. Actually, all I really want to do is go to bed, but I have to walk the dog.

I am genuinely looking forward to having little to nothing to do tomorrow (other than feed and change D repeatedly). Maybe I'll even take a nap. Or watch some bad tv.

sizes

The good: I'm wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans today! The biggest pair I have with the button undone, but still.

The bad: My wedding ring won't fit over my knuckle. I think I'm going to have to get it resized.

:-P

Grazer

Little D is still a grazer during the day. She'll eat a little and then fall asleep every hour starting at about 2PM. She sleeps most of the morning most days, so after I get up (usually around 8 or so) and feed her, I started to pump so that my husband could give her a bottle before bed, which he does while I walk the dog.

I got 3 oz today!

Then when I get back from walking the dog, we go upstairs to bed and I feed her off both breasts for another 45-60 minutes or so.

Last night after this routine she slept for 4 hours straight. Then woke up, sucked voraciously at my boobs which were starting to get pretty full (the girls NEVER have gone that long without being drained), and passed out again for 3.5 hours.

Of course today I started feeling guilty about this routine thinking,

"Is she too young to go for 4 whole hours?"

"What if she loses interest in nursing now that she gets a bottle from Luca?"

"OMG I wonder if she's gained enough weight this week!"

"How many wet diapers has she had again today? It's got to be at least 8, right? Not including the times where she peed when I was changing her."

Why do I torture myself? It's like if something seems to work or makes things easier on me, I assume that it must be bad for the baby. Probably that's because practically every mommy internet site has information that says what you're doing is wrong and will at least permanently mess up your child, if not kill it. No wonder so many parents are so anxious these days.

Punctuality

Maybe when I'm less sleepy, I will blog at greater length about how people without children should behave when visiting a friend who just had a baby. For now I will leave it at the following: (M -- NONE of this applies to you.)

1. Three weeks is really young. If the parents want you to visit, they will ask you. Alternatively, you can ask if you can bring over some food, and just stop by for 10-20 min. That will most likely be welcome. Just be ok with the fact that the baby runs the show and it could easily end up being a bad time.

2. If you ask if you can come by, they will probably say yes even though they don't want you there.

3. If you have made arrangements to come by at a particular time, it is NOT ok to call 10 minutes before to announce that you're going to be an hour late. Your visit has most likely become the event of the day, and the parents had to feed and change the child in preparation for your arrival, and possibly also pick up the house. If you come an hour late, you will arrive just in time for the feeding and changing cycle to begin again. Do you want to get sprayed with poo? Do you want to listen to an infant scream? I didn't think so.

4. When you arrive, it's pretty rude to spend the entire time talking about your troubles at work, while we (the parents) stare at you with dead eyes hoping you will shut up and/or leave.

5. Keep it short. More than 90 minutes is a really long time.

6. You don't have to bring us anything. However if you do, the mints that you brought that have been sitting in the bottom of your drawer at work for the past 18 months will not be appreciated, even if we say thank you profusely.

7. If you really want to help, you could offer to do a round of laundry or the equivalent (yes, I'm completely serious).

Sorry for the crankiness, but seriously people. Some of this stuff is not difficult. In all honestly, I might have done some of these things myself in my pre-baby days, and it would have been really helpful if someone had explained what to do to me.

Thoughts

Dear dog walker,

I realize that you don't like it when Boo jumps up on you when you come for her afternoon walk. However, it's completely NOT HELPFUL for you to bitch at me about it when I am actively nursing my baby. It takes two hands to clicker train the dog or to train polite greeting, and I have no hands right now, which is *why I have hired you.* You might try using treats (they're right behind you on the shelf) to reinforce "sit" rather than repeating it ineffectively 10 times, and then complaining to me about my dog's behavior.

And no, the jumping on guests isn't "new behavior," and she isn't barking to "defend the baby." She's always acted like this with visitors, it's just when you usually walk her she's been locked in the BR all day, and doesn't tend to jump on the person who releases her. I'm tired of explaining this to you over and over again.

*****

Miss D went 3.5 hours in between feedings last night which is a record for her. I'm sure we're due for a back slide, and I am totally jinxing things by even mentioning this. But can I tell you how much better I feel after two consecutive blocks of 2.5 hours of sleep rather than two blocks of 1.5 hours of sleep?

*****

I've decided to try and stop feeling guilty about asking my husband for help with the baby. Even though I'm on maternity leave and have more time, and he is back to his 14 hour days at work.

First off, I spend all day with her -- which is WORK -- and it's completely reasonable to pass her to him when he gets home. A) Because he likes spending time with her, and B) because it feels unbelievably good to be able to walk around the house untethered to a baby -- even if I'm just taking out the garbage or loading the dishwasher. I feel 1000% refreshed if I can be released for a few minutes, and it's completely reasonable to request a break.

Second, he wakes up anyway overnight when she needs to eat, and it's not that big a deal to ask him to change her, even if that means he'll get 20 minutes less sleep that night. I have to stay up for an entire hour feeding her every time we get up (2-4 times per night), so in the grans scheme of things 10 minutes for a diaper change is not a big deal.

Third, she's his child too and caring for her is a team effort that goes beyond, "Daddy pays for her, and mommy cares for her."

Fourth, he LIKES helping with the baby.

Fifth, over the course of our marriage, there will be times when he needs me to care for him, and over the long term, the helping will even out.

And finally, when I feel guilty I'm generally less pleasant to be around, and less happy overall. It's a counterproductive emotion, especially since asking for help with the baby is not something I should feel guilty about.

*****

I've actually been able to get some school work done while the baby sleeps. You might think this is really ambitious of me and I am a psycho overachiever med student for even attempting this. But let me put it this way: I actually feel good when I get work done. Watching TV or reading junk just doesn't have the same effect, and doesn't require that much less effort. Doing a little school work quells my anxiety. Also, since nobody expects me to get anything done right now, it's relatively high reward.

It's just a matter of finding little tasks to do that don't require a lot of thought that I can do with one hand while I nurse.

This is what Luca does when I take a nap

Well, that didn't seem to be a problem at all

We tried pumping for the first time this morning. I got roughly 2 oz from my left boob in ~10 minutes. Since it was a trial run, we stopped then, though I think I'd have gotten more if I'd kept going. I just did the one boob because I wanted to make sure I had something left over if she didn't want to take the bottle when we fed her later.

Then we gave D a bath and we washed her hair which she actually seemed to enjoy! She likes the warm water I think.

:-)

I still feel like I need Luca's help bathing her though. She's a very slippery little piglet.

Then I let Luca feed her from the bottle. I think we may need a slower flowing nipple because she had gone through all 2 oz in about 4 minutes. We just used the Medela bottles that the pump came with, but I think we may try a different kind for future use. She let out a HUGE belch when she was done. What kind of bottles have other people found useful?

Then I popped her on my right boob, and she ate contentedly there for another 15 minutes or so.

I think I may start pumping 1x per day so that Luca can take a feeding for me. Not sure how the overnight feedings will work, since I don't want to wake up engorged. Any advice on how to do this?

Now she is sacked out again in my lap.

In other news, we may have solved our childcare dilemma. I don't want to jinx anything, but we got an acceptance letter from a University City daycare yesterday for an April 30th start date, and Luca and I are going to tour the facility next Thursday. I've already seen it and I liked it when I went in October, but I want to get Luca's approval also. This is the one that my neighbor used to sit on the board of directors for, and she recommended it HIGHLY, though it's not the one that most of my med school/doctor colleagues use.

Cross your fingers for me that it all works out!