Last summer during my O's rotations, I remember sitting with a gaggle of medical students for lunch. We were outside of one of the undergrad lunch places on campus which I usually avoid because it makes me feel old.
One of the MD-PhD boys made the offhand comment, "God I'm going to be AT LEAST 28 by the time I even get to *my* psych rotation."
I said, "Don't worry, you'll still be younger than I am now."
Third party interjected, "GOD OldMDGirl, STOP with the OLD talk. You're NOT EVEN that much older than WE ARE." (She was 24 at the time.) She then elaborated on how she was just as close in age to her intern as I was, and how it wasn't a big deal at all.
And, she's right sort of. Except that when she starts residency, she'll be 27. I will be 37. And last I heard a decade was not an insignificant amount of time.
But why did this grate on her so much? I did feel like she was giving me a bit of a bum rap. I have tried to keep the condescending remarks about how all the problems of 23 year olds are trivial and they will grow out of them in 5 years or so to a minimum. But it can be hard. Sometimes when you hear them complain about how miserable they are, or how they are "wasting the best years of their lives in med school," you want to say, "You know, your i-banker friends aren't that happy either. Lots of people are unhappy when they first get out of college, and hate their first jobs. It can be a tough transition to make."
Because even though you remember acutely just how horrible you felt FOR 4 WHOLE FREAKING YEARS after you graduated, and you want to make them feel better by empathizing, saying anything of that nature is inevitably going to come off as condescending. I would have been annoyed too if someone had said that to me when I was 24.
It's really better to sit back and watch the pyrotechnics, and be supportive. Unless your advice is actively solicited, which rarely if ever happens.
Similarly it's easy to start hating the skinny beautiful 20 year olds at the gym, and to be annoyed by their adolescent conversations. I used to sit there rolling my eyes when listening to the stories about the parties and the boys and the dorm-life drama. "SLUTS!" you think. "SO INAPPROPRIATE AND LOUD!!" Then you look at the young woman who could really be a model and you think, "I'm SURE she's anorexic. Just look at those ribs!"
And then you realize that your irritation is just a defense mechanism for your own insecurities. When these things happen now, I try to remember what it was like for me when I was 20 and the conversations I had with my friends. I think, "Wow, that is a really beautiful woman," and concentrate on getting my swimsuit on. I really don't want to be that preachy old appropriateness police hag that so many women become when they start seeing that they aren't the young vixens they once were, having forgotten what it was like to be that age.
Well, I try to be good anyway. When I'm able to, listening to them makes me smile with the memories.
I hope when I have kids I won't be one of those people who says to others, "Well, you couldn't possibly understand...." or, "When I was single and childless....."
I think it will be hard to become that person surrounded with all the young characters that fill my life. Especially if they keep calling me out when I do it.
;-)
7 Pearls of Wisdom:
I can relate! I am also a decade older than most of my fellow students. I'm in my thirties now, married and have had a ten year career already. I think it became really clear to me that there was a generation gap when one of my fellow students asked me "Have you picked up your buss pass yet?". Honey, I haven't taken the bus since 1992. Same class, different planets!
Picture this:
You are talking to a 20 year old pre-med at the gym and you groan about an overnight call or having to study for Step 1, and they say to you, "Gee, oldmdgirl, that doesn't sound bad at all. It's sounds like you really don't want to be a doctor at all. You should quit if you feel that way."
And you want to slap them, RIGHT? Because what the fuck this 20 year old pre-med know about the stresses of med school? She's TWENTY, for christ's sake.
That's how I feel when someone who doesn't have kids says to me, "Why do you feel guilty leaving your child for 80 hours a week to work? It's sounds like you're a bad mom/doctor/person."
I would never ever have understood what it's like to be a med student before I got there. Ditto with motherhood. It's something you can't describe to another person or imagine until you are actually there. It changes your life. Likewise, I know I can't understand what it's like for a patient who has a terminal disease or chronic pain, so I try not to take it personally when they say, "Doc, you just can't understand." I'm not being condescending. It's a fact.
Whoa. Who said anything about you being a bad mom.
I think the word is.... projection?
In fact, I know several residents at the hospital I work at who don't feel guilty about leaving their kid(s) home with a nanny/at daycare. It's something I'm interested in. Why some people feel guilty and others do not.
In the blog-o-sphere, however, all I ever read about is mommy-guilt. I wanted to know if anyone had written about NOT feeling guilty. Which is (if you care to read) is what I asked.
And, there does seem to be an undercurrent of you- should- feel- guilty in society floating around. Because in some people's minds, if you don't feel guilty, it *must* mean you don't love your kids, which I personally think is BS. Can't we just make our choices and not hand wring incessantly about what everyone else thinks about them?
Well, your comment was something along the lines of, "You feel guilty? Damn, what's wrong with you? Why do all these stupid women feel guilty?" Subtly, but yes, that was what was said.
"Projection"? Not much of a big revelation. Of course a lot of women who work and leave their children are worried about being bad mothers. Isn't that obvious?
Maybe the reason that the women you know at work who don't feel guilty actually DO feel guilty, but they keep it either inside or restricted to their blogs. I guarantee, I don't go around telling everyone I feel bad about leaving my daughter every day. I rarely talk about it, if ever, in real life.
Maybe what you're struggling with is the word "guilt". I used that word because I can't think of a better one. How about this: it feels AWFUL. It sucks. I miss her. Even when I love my work, I miss her terribly.
I'm sure even the "least guilty" of the working mothers has days when she wants to burst into tears when she has to leave her baby in the morning.
I'm making an effort to be civil here. I'm not a bitch. You might not hate me if you met me irl.
Fizzy,
Projection is a defense mechanism in which one attributes one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts and/or emotions to others. That's what I meant. I don't think you're a bad mother.
I can imagine it must suck to be on call for 30 hours. With or without a daughter at home. More with.
I'm sorry you feel so awful. I didn't intend to imply that you were "stupid" for feeling guilty. Like I stated previously, I'm just not sure I understood the "guilty" part. I think the word you use (awful) is easier for me to understand.
I know my mom didn't feel guilty when she worked when I was little. She hated leaving in the mornings, but that was because I climbed on her leg and yelled, "Mommy can't you STAY HOME WITH ME TODAY???" (Wasn't I a fantastic budding feminist?) Tears? I don't know. My mom's a screamer not a crier.
As for being a bad mother because you work? Geez, it's the 21st century. I'd have hoped we'd be past that. I know we're not, but it saddens me to think that some people still think this way.
I don't hate you actually, or think you're a bitch. I find you interesting. You make me think about things. I'm sorry I gave you the impression that I hated you. I wonder if I'll end up feeling just like you if I have kids, and it scares the crap out of me. I wonder if I'll feel like, "Medical School? What the hell was I thinking?" It could happen. I know this.
In the meantime, I'll try to be more sensitive to how my comments come across in the future. Chin up. I hear it gets easier.
I understand what projection is :)
I'm the only mom on the MiM blog who's still a resident. Having the duel responsibility of motherhood and residency is not fun (no resting on post-call days), although I picked a residency that was more chill than most. All the moms in my residency program talk about how hard it is to leave our babies (except for the mom who's 40 and her kids are in grade school already). It's definitely hard, but I think everyone eventually gets used to it. That is, as long as they enjoy their work, at least somewhat. The moms who were really miserable were the ones who didn't match in the program they wanted and hated their work.
Anyway, I think as long as you're happy with your decision to become a doctor, you may be missing your baby on your first day back at work, but eventually you'll find a good balance. You shouldn't worry too much about it :) Even though it made things more stressful, I was way happier after having a child.
MD girl-
I think you should take an improv class that requires no analysis.
Stop analyzing outside of work. You'll be a great MD-PHD, I can see it already. Your mind is naturally wired for this. But when you're not working to improve the health of people in general, just relax.
You should embrace some Amy Poehler in your life to tune out the comments and people who irritate you.
Post a Comment