So apparently my program has gone from being happy with my progress to "concerned" again. Because my original project isn't going to fly and I need to find another.
Gah!
I hate that word.
Concerned.
And now I have to come up with (again) some project that fits in a particular box. A particular fundable box. That is doable and (hopefully) interesting to me. Though that is becoming less of a priority by the minute.
I'm sorry, dear readers, for boring you with this AGAIN. It bores me too, believe you me.
(beats head on desk)
Oh, and now I'm told that the reason they are always reluctant to accept MD-PhD candidates to my program is because we don't always have what we specifically want to do in mind when we start. Which is (obviously) obtained only after years of residency.
No pressure or anything. It's just if you're a failure we'll never admit anyone to the program again.
I feel like they're all just waiting for me to fail and that I'm along for the ride, unable to avert the course. And it sucks.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Fitter, Happier*
My first two years of med school, I was friends with a woman who kept her BMI at exactly 18.5.
Do you know what that is, kids? It's the minimum amount you have to weigh in order not attract attention for having disordered eating. Did she do it on purpose? What do you think?
Medical school (and the rest of the world) is filled with crazy people. People who strive to be perfect in every way. Or at least appear that way to all others at all times.
And what is perfection? It seems these days there is a perfect way to do everything you can imagine.
To eat the right amount of vegetables (5 per day).
To exercise the right amount (30-60 minutes 5 times per week), yet have Olympic level athletic abilities.
To sleep 7 hours (nevermind if you need 8 -- that is indulgent).
To have a BMI of 20 and wear a size 4 pant, and size 7 shoes.
To have an immaculate house.
To be constantly interested in sex whenever your significant other wants it. But never more often because that would be slutty.
To have the best of everything, yet acquire all of it on sale.
To drink no more than 1 drink per day (for women), and 2 per day (for men).
To eat enough calcium.
To respond the right way whenever approached by anyone for any reason.
To never get upset or be unreasonable.
To selflessly allow someone else to get the bigger slice of pie every time.
To never drive too fast or climb a tree or do anything that involves excess risk.
To work for 10 hours a day, work steadily throughout the day without every feeling antsy, and go home refreshed and ready to make dinner.
It all makes me want to puke. As a consequence I've tried to live my life as the anti-perfectionist. I.e. I refuse to measure my worth as a person according to the standards I listed above. And by refuse, I mean I try really hard not to beat myself up over the dumb stuff.
It can be a challenge sometimes.
What are some other ways that we're expected to be perfect? Can you think of other domains of life where standards have been meticulously laid out to which we are expected to conform? I've left off the entire domain of children since I don't have any, but I'm sure that's fertile ground too.
Anyone have any thoughts?
*Title taken from Radiohead song. Lyrics here.
F*** Perfection.
Do you know what that is, kids? It's the minimum amount you have to weigh in order not attract attention for having disordered eating. Did she do it on purpose? What do you think?
Medical school (and the rest of the world) is filled with crazy people. People who strive to be perfect in every way. Or at least appear that way to all others at all times.
And what is perfection? It seems these days there is a perfect way to do everything you can imagine.
To eat the right amount of vegetables (5 per day).
To exercise the right amount (30-60 minutes 5 times per week), yet have Olympic level athletic abilities.
To sleep 7 hours (nevermind if you need 8 -- that is indulgent).
To have a BMI of 20 and wear a size 4 pant, and size 7 shoes.
To have an immaculate house.
To be constantly interested in sex whenever your significant other wants it. But never more often because that would be slutty.
To have the best of everything, yet acquire all of it on sale.
To drink no more than 1 drink per day (for women), and 2 per day (for men).
To eat enough calcium.
To respond the right way whenever approached by anyone for any reason.
To never get upset or be unreasonable.
To selflessly allow someone else to get the bigger slice of pie every time.
To never drive too fast or climb a tree or do anything that involves excess risk.
To work for 10 hours a day, work steadily throughout the day without every feeling antsy, and go home refreshed and ready to make dinner.
It all makes me want to puke. As a consequence I've tried to live my life as the anti-perfectionist. I.e. I refuse to measure my worth as a person according to the standards I listed above. And by refuse, I mean I try really hard not to beat myself up over the dumb stuff.
It can be a challenge sometimes.
What are some other ways that we're expected to be perfect? Can you think of other domains of life where standards have been meticulously laid out to which we are expected to conform? I've left off the entire domain of children since I don't have any, but I'm sure that's fertile ground too.
Anyone have any thoughts?
*Title taken from Radiohead song. Lyrics here.
F*** Perfection.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Reflections
During my post-bac and med school, I spent the majority of my energy learning how to read for detail. How to read and digest and commit to memory everything I saw. And I got pretty good at it.
I think one of the hardest transitions I have had to make in starting grad school is that I have had to re-learn how to do a shitty job with my reading for school. Because let's face it: it's simply not possible to learn every detail as well when you're digesting 300x2 pages per week (plus 3 - 10 busy-work assignments) as it is when you're digesting 100 pages that are all being reinforced in class too, and doing practice questions.
I remember during college making the discovery that if I did exactly none of my reading, but paid attention in class, I could earn a solid B+, and if I did even 1/5th of my reading with my brain 1/2 turned on I could earn an A. The thing is, medical school has made me so neurotic that I can no longer read with my brain 1/2 turned on. And as such, my reading was taking me for-EVER!
Until I discovered that we were never actually tested on it. Do you know how annoying that is? To get to class and discover that the 300 pages of reading you did for class are so unimportant to the professor that they don't even talk about it in class, let alone test you on it later?
Fortunately I only have a semester or so left of full time class. Then maybe I can actually start focusing on my project rather than all this bullshit they want me to do first.
*****
I have spent the last two days visiting my parents in CT not doing anything. I haven't even thought about my work or my upcoming exams. It has been wonderful. Luca and I are headed back to Philly today so I can do some work tomorrow. Hopefully I will be very well rested and my brain will be charged and ready to go.
I think I really needed this time to unplug for a few days. It's been the semester that will not die with busy-work out the ass.
I think I really prefer quarters.
I think one of the hardest transitions I have had to make in starting grad school is that I have had to re-learn how to do a shitty job with my reading for school. Because let's face it: it's simply not possible to learn every detail as well when you're digesting 300x2 pages per week (plus 3 - 10 busy-work assignments) as it is when you're digesting 100 pages that are all being reinforced in class too, and doing practice questions.
I remember during college making the discovery that if I did exactly none of my reading, but paid attention in class, I could earn a solid B+, and if I did even 1/5th of my reading with my brain 1/2 turned on I could earn an A. The thing is, medical school has made me so neurotic that I can no longer read with my brain 1/2 turned on. And as such, my reading was taking me for-EVER!
Until I discovered that we were never actually tested on it. Do you know how annoying that is? To get to class and discover that the 300 pages of reading you did for class are so unimportant to the professor that they don't even talk about it in class, let alone test you on it later?
Fortunately I only have a semester or so left of full time class. Then maybe I can actually start focusing on my project rather than all this bullshit they want me to do first.
*****
I have spent the last two days visiting my parents in CT not doing anything. I haven't even thought about my work or my upcoming exams. It has been wonderful. Luca and I are headed back to Philly today so I can do some work tomorrow. Hopefully I will be very well rested and my brain will be charged and ready to go.
I think I really needed this time to unplug for a few days. It's been the semester that will not die with busy-work out the ass.
I think I really prefer quarters.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Early Bird
There's a group of women that swims at 6AM on Tuesdays and Thursdays at the pool I go to. They're very nice, but a bit faster than I am at the moment. Enough so that practice would be pretty uncomfortable at that hour of the morning.
I keep telling them that they're too fast. That it's too early. That I have no desire to wake up at 5AM unless I have to.
One of them said, "After a little while you just get used to getting up early."
I said, "I already wake up at 6:30AM without my alarm. I thought that was pretty good!"
Isn't that insane? When did this happen to me? I remember when I struggled to get out of bed by 10 for class when I was in college! And how hard it was for me to get up on time for work my first couple of years out of college. And now 6:30 without my alarm???
I guess this means I am entering the geriatric demographic. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
I keep telling them that they're too fast. That it's too early. That I have no desire to wake up at 5AM unless I have to.
One of them said, "After a little while you just get used to getting up early."
I said, "I already wake up at 6:30AM without my alarm. I thought that was pretty good!"
Isn't that insane? When did this happen to me? I remember when I struggled to get out of bed by 10 for class when I was in college! And how hard it was for me to get up on time for work my first couple of years out of college. And now 6:30 without my alarm???
I guess this means I am entering the geriatric demographic. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
New Topic
Yesterday I had a meeting with my mentor and a couple committee members about my project. The topic that I'm supposed to write a grant about due this coming April. It was an ok meeting, but it confirmed what I've been thinking for a few weeks now:
I don't think my original idea is going to be feasible. Not because it isn't an important or good idea, but because it is hopelessly confounded, and no one of can think of a way to make it less so such that our result would end up being clinically meaningful.
It's fine really. I'm going to have to apply to the NIA for my F30 anyway since there are only a limited selection of funding agencies that do the F30. And I don't really mind doing research about old people or aging. God knows I've been funded this way before in the past. This is just an opportunity to think of a topic that would be easier to argue that it's really important to aging.
But really? This has been spun to me that I could use this to help me in my future career as a geriatrician (a.k.a. nursing home doc) or intensivist (no comment -- I see now I have classmates reading this). I can't say that either career choice particularly excites me at the moment.
I guess I'm just kind of feeling blah because I've known for a little while that this project wasn't going to work, and it's a little disappointing to have these feelings confirmed.
My husband is of course telling me, "This is part of learning how to do research. Really this is not a bad thing! Blah blah blah." None of this is especially helpful. I wonder whether I'll be able to come up with a project I care about. That is mine. That is actually doable. That will be easy enough for me to completely flesh out AND is in a topic area of interest to the F30 funders in the next 4 months.
I am thinking no at this point.
My mentor has been very helpful in thinking of other ways I could spin this, but I'm having a hard time being enthused about any of his ideas because let's face it: they're his ideas. And I kind of want this project to be mine. What's the point of this stupid degree anyway if I can't even do a project that I feel a sense of ownership over. I spent 3 years doing someone else's research before I ever came to medical school. Why would I want tospend waste three more doing that here too?
I'm supposed to think about these ideas he's proposed over the weekend, but I don't really need to because I already know what I think. And besides, I have to waste my time studying for this utterly pointless class I have an exam in next week instead.
I don't think my original idea is going to be feasible. Not because it isn't an important or good idea, but because it is hopelessly confounded, and no one of can think of a way to make it less so such that our result would end up being clinically meaningful.
It's fine really. I'm going to have to apply to the NIA for my F30 anyway since there are only a limited selection of funding agencies that do the F30. And I don't really mind doing research about old people or aging. God knows I've been funded this way before in the past. This is just an opportunity to think of a topic that would be easier to argue that it's really important to aging.
But really? This has been spun to me that I could use this to help me in my future career as a geriatrician (a.k.a. nursing home doc) or intensivist (no comment -- I see now I have classmates reading this). I can't say that either career choice particularly excites me at the moment.
I guess I'm just kind of feeling blah because I've known for a little while that this project wasn't going to work, and it's a little disappointing to have these feelings confirmed.
My husband is of course telling me, "This is part of learning how to do research. Really this is not a bad thing! Blah blah blah." None of this is especially helpful. I wonder whether I'll be able to come up with a project I care about. That is mine. That is actually doable. That will be easy enough for me to completely flesh out AND is in a topic area of interest to the F30 funders in the next 4 months.
I am thinking no at this point.
My mentor has been very helpful in thinking of other ways I could spin this, but I'm having a hard time being enthused about any of his ideas because let's face it: they're his ideas. And I kind of want this project to be mine. What's the point of this stupid degree anyway if I can't even do a project that I feel a sense of ownership over. I spent 3 years doing someone else's research before I ever came to medical school. Why would I want to
I'm supposed to think about these ideas he's proposed over the weekend, but I don't really need to because I already know what I think. And besides, I have to waste my time studying for this utterly pointless class I have an exam in next week instead.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Vindication
I found a website today called jobvent dot com where current or former employees can bitch about share their experiences working for a particular company with the rest of the online world.
Of course I looked up The Industrial Supply Company From Hell. It pleased me greatly to note that not only did it have the most reviews (45) all but one of which were highly negative, but it also had the most negative score (-276) of all the companies I saw during my short perusal of the list.*
The comments 100% reflected my experiences there. The memories made me somewhat nauseated as I looked through the comments.
I guess at least I'm not the only one....
Small comfort having lost 3 years of my life to that hell hole, but still. If only this site had existed back in 2000 when I was thinking about working there.
*Numbers are made up approximations of the real values.
Of course I looked up The Industrial Supply Company From Hell. It pleased me greatly to note that not only did it have the most reviews (45) all but one of which were highly negative, but it also had the most negative score (-276) of all the companies I saw during my short perusal of the list.*
The comments 100% reflected my experiences there. The memories made me somewhat nauseated as I looked through the comments.
I guess at least I'm not the only one....
Small comfort having lost 3 years of my life to that hell hole, but still. If only this site had existed back in 2000 when I was thinking about working there.
*Numbers are made up approximations of the real values.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
My So Called Life
When I was 10 or 11, The Wonder Years came out. I loved the show and watched it every week.
To my great embarrassment (in particular during the rare moments when Kevin and Winnie would make out), my father would often watch the show over my shoulder. I remember him telling me how nostalgic it made him feel.
Luca and I finished watching all 19 episodes of My So Called Life this weekend. AWESOME show. I was a little worried that I would be disappointed that there was no follow-up season, but when it was over Luca and I looked at each other and knew: Sure, Angela will go with Jordan Catalano now. But Brian really shouldn't feel bad. His stock will rise 100 fold by about age 25 and Jordan will end up pumping gas for a living, even if he is the one who gets to bag Angela now.
Ah the wisdom acquired after years of failed relationships. :-)
But I have to say, I started to feel a little nostalgic watching the show. Bizarrely nostalgic about being 15 again in a way I never would have thought when I was actually that age.
Luca began to notice that he identified more strongly with the parents than with the teenagers. I might have too, but the mother character really annoyed me. I also identified with Angela, having been a teenage girl who lusted after hot guys myself too. I can't believe that 15 years old was 17 years ago!
I suppose it was then that we had the, "Oh shit I'm turning into my parents," moment. Ah cliches. I suppose they happen to all of us.
And speaking of crushes, relationships, and turning into my parents, Luca and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary this weekend! I really can't believe it was three years ago today that I cut anatomy lab, and our limo driver tried repeatedly to ascertain whether I was pregnant as we drove to the Ardmore City Hall to tie the knot the day before Thanksgiving. I thought I might die of embarrassment.
We went to Marigold Kitchen again. It was excellent.
Happy Anniversary Sweetie! Thank you for putting up with me throughout these years of med school!
To my great embarrassment (in particular during the rare moments when Kevin and Winnie would make out), my father would often watch the show over my shoulder. I remember him telling me how nostalgic it made him feel.
Luca and I finished watching all 19 episodes of My So Called Life this weekend. AWESOME show. I was a little worried that I would be disappointed that there was no follow-up season, but when it was over Luca and I looked at each other and knew: Sure, Angela will go with Jordan Catalano now. But Brian really shouldn't feel bad. His stock will rise 100 fold by about age 25 and Jordan will end up pumping gas for a living, even if he is the one who gets to bag Angela now.
Ah the wisdom acquired after years of failed relationships. :-)
But I have to say, I started to feel a little nostalgic watching the show. Bizarrely nostalgic about being 15 again in a way I never would have thought when I was actually that age.
Luca began to notice that he identified more strongly with the parents than with the teenagers. I might have too, but the mother character really annoyed me. I also identified with Angela, having been a teenage girl who lusted after hot guys myself too. I can't believe that 15 years old was 17 years ago!
I suppose it was then that we had the, "Oh shit I'm turning into my parents," moment. Ah cliches. I suppose they happen to all of us.
And speaking of crushes, relationships, and turning into my parents, Luca and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary this weekend! I really can't believe it was three years ago today that I cut anatomy lab, and our limo driver tried repeatedly to ascertain whether I was pregnant as we drove to the Ardmore City Hall to tie the knot the day before Thanksgiving. I thought I might die of embarrassment.
We went to Marigold Kitchen again. It was excellent.
Happy Anniversary Sweetie! Thank you for putting up with me throughout these years of med school!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Careers
In a bout with procrastination a few weeks ago, Luca and I were watching the symphony on NJ public TV.
And I started thinking, what makes someone decide when they're a kid, "I want to be a conductor!"
Or for that matter, a chef.
Or a novelist.
Or a software engineer.
And why is it, after 32 years, what I came up with is, "I want to be a researcher."
Haha. You thought I was going to say "doctor," didn't you.
And it took 25 years to come to THAT conclusion. Why didn't anything else ever occur to me in the meantime? How do people fall into these other careers?
Do people who are conductors think to themselves, "If only I had become a doctor. Why didn't that career choice ever occur to me?"
I wonder.
And I started thinking, what makes someone decide when they're a kid, "I want to be a conductor!"
Or for that matter, a chef.
Or a novelist.
Or a software engineer.
And why is it, after 32 years, what I came up with is, "I want to be a researcher."
Haha. You thought I was going to say "doctor," didn't you.
And it took 25 years to come to THAT conclusion. Why didn't anything else ever occur to me in the meantime? How do people fall into these other careers?
Do people who are conductors think to themselves, "If only I had become a doctor. Why didn't that career choice ever occur to me?"
I wonder.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Fly on the wall
This morning I was in the elevator with a few of the fellows. They were all laughing about making one of the interns cry.
Their words sounded like, "Why does this always happen to ME? They always cry when I talk to them. I even made X person cry the other day."
Their laughter was what I didn't understand.
I wanted to say, "Maybe this keeps on happening because you're an ASSHOLE. Hm?"
But I'm *just* a medical student. What do I really know about how things are, right? That's what they would have said if they'd acknowledged that I had spoken at all.
And then they would have laughed at me as I walked away.
I may be *just* a med student, but I know an asshole when I see one.
Their words sounded like, "Why does this always happen to ME? They always cry when I talk to them. I even made X person cry the other day."
Their laughter was what I didn't understand.
I wanted to say, "Maybe this keeps on happening because you're an ASSHOLE. Hm?"
But I'm *just* a medical student. What do I really know about how things are, right? That's what they would have said if they'd acknowledged that I had spoken at all.
And then they would have laughed at me as I walked away.
I may be *just* a med student, but I know an asshole when I see one.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Med School v. Grad School
When I was in med school I couldn't wait until I started grad school.
Now that I'm in grad school I can't wait to do something clinical again.
*Sigh*
The grass is always greener I guess.
Med School Pro:
When you go home, you're done (except for those pesky last minute presentations to prepare, and that hour of reading they say you should do every night....)
Med School Con:
When you're in the hospital you have no privacy and can't ever get anything related to life taken care of.
Grad School Pro:
I can take care of errands pretty much any time of the day.
Grad School Con:
If I spend the morning taking care of errands, then I feel guilty about not using that time to do work. And every minute I spend on errands is one minute longer my PhD will take.
There is just no winning, is there?
Here's to trying to enjoy where I am, when I'm there. Rather than just in retrospect.
Now that I'm in grad school I can't wait to do something clinical again.
*Sigh*
The grass is always greener I guess.
Med School Pro:
When you go home, you're done (except for those pesky last minute presentations to prepare, and that hour of reading they say you should do every night....)
Med School Con:
When you're in the hospital you have no privacy and can't ever get anything related to life taken care of.
Grad School Pro:
I can take care of errands pretty much any time of the day.
Grad School Con:
If I spend the morning taking care of errands, then I feel guilty about not using that time to do work. And every minute I spend on errands is one minute longer my PhD will take.
There is just no winning, is there?
Here's to trying to enjoy where I am, when I'm there. Rather than just in retrospect.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Pubes
I was thinking the other day about my outpatient peds rotation. One of the doctors was a lovely woman. A true baby person. She was the kind of person who would see a baby and run up to the mom oohing and ahhing, and talking baby talk to the baby.
The kind of person who, until I did that rotation, would have annoyed the crap out of me. It's funny, but I realize now that a lot of moms really love it when their pediatrician fawns over their precious bundles of joy. Even moms who would under normal circumstances, like me, find this sort of behavior to be kind of irritating.
So my neighbor with two babies tells me, anyway.
We went through the day, doing some well checks, looking in some ears, listening to some perfectly normal hearts. I was really enjoying working with her.
And then it happened.
"Oh. My. God." she said. In a completely disgusted tone of voice.
My interest was piqued.
"This patient. God! What is she doing here? Abdominal pain? She's probably CONSTIPATED for Christ's sake! She shouldn't even be seeing me! GOD! She went to Planned Parenthood last year and had an ABORTION!! She better not be here for birth control. I don't care if she's 16. If she's doing THAT, then she needs a doctor for GROWN-UPS!!!"
The rant continued, oh.... for about 10 minutes. Until she sent me in.
"DO NOT. Waste more than 10 minutes on THIS ONE," she admonished me, "We're just going to recommend a diet with fiber and maybe a laxative."
I was sort of surprised at the extreme reaction given how over-the-top-lovey-dovey she'd been with her entire patient population that was under the age of 8 that I'd seen her with before up until that point.
It was then I realized the world of pediatricians is divided into two camps:
* Those who looooove babies (and hate adolescents)
* And those who enjoy caring for adolescents
It's weird for me to think about since, come on! As a pediatrician, almost half of your patient population is pubescent or post-pubescent! You'd think the pediatricians would have gotten used to -- or at least could tolerate -- working with teenagers.
Alas, no.
I don't think I saw a single conversation about sex, drugs, or rock&roll that was conducted in anything but completely awkward. Well, except on the adolescent floor during my inpatient peds rotation where the adolescent medicine fellows and attendings literally worked magic with teenagers.
MAGIC. It was amazing.
Anyway, this patient? Turns out that the doctor had confused her with her older sister. She realized that after being really abrupt with her and shooing her out the door (with her high fiber diet).
"Well, she's probably the same as her sister anyway. I should NOT have to be caring for patients like that," she told me later. I wondered if she felt bad about how mean she'd been.
She was right about one thing though. She DID have no business being this girl's doctor anymore. Not when she hated caring for patients who had finished puberty as much as she did.
The kind of person who, until I did that rotation, would have annoyed the crap out of me. It's funny, but I realize now that a lot of moms really love it when their pediatrician fawns over their precious bundles of joy. Even moms who would under normal circumstances, like me, find this sort of behavior to be kind of irritating.
So my neighbor with two babies tells me, anyway.
We went through the day, doing some well checks, looking in some ears, listening to some perfectly normal hearts. I was really enjoying working with her.
And then it happened.
"Oh. My. God." she said. In a completely disgusted tone of voice.
My interest was piqued.
"This patient. God! What is she doing here? Abdominal pain? She's probably CONSTIPATED for Christ's sake! She shouldn't even be seeing me! GOD! She went to Planned Parenthood last year and had an ABORTION!! She better not be here for birth control. I don't care if she's 16. If she's doing THAT, then she needs a doctor for GROWN-UPS!!!"
The rant continued, oh.... for about 10 minutes. Until she sent me in.
"DO NOT. Waste more than 10 minutes on THIS ONE," she admonished me, "We're just going to recommend a diet with fiber and maybe a laxative."
I was sort of surprised at the extreme reaction given how over-the-top-lovey-dovey she'd been with her entire patient population that was under the age of 8 that I'd seen her with before up until that point.
It was then I realized the world of pediatricians is divided into two camps:
* Those who looooove babies (and hate adolescents)
* And those who enjoy caring for adolescents
It's weird for me to think about since, come on! As a pediatrician, almost half of your patient population is pubescent or post-pubescent! You'd think the pediatricians would have gotten used to -- or at least could tolerate -- working with teenagers.
Alas, no.
I don't think I saw a single conversation about sex, drugs, or rock&roll that was conducted in anything but completely awkward. Well, except on the adolescent floor during my inpatient peds rotation where the adolescent medicine fellows and attendings literally worked magic with teenagers.
MAGIC. It was amazing.
Anyway, this patient? Turns out that the doctor had confused her with her older sister. She realized that after being really abrupt with her and shooing her out the door (with her high fiber diet).
"Well, she's probably the same as her sister anyway. I should NOT have to be caring for patients like that," she told me later. I wondered if she felt bad about how mean she'd been.
She was right about one thing though. She DID have no business being this girl's doctor anymore. Not when she hated caring for patients who had finished puberty as much as she did.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Bulbs
This morning I could not sit still to work on my grant, so I decided to do some work in the garden. This was despite the fact that it has rained steadily for the past few days. I am a masochist, what can I say.
And besides, my baby plants needed me to remove the wet leaves that had fallen from the nearby cherry and oak trees so that their leaves would no longer be deprived of precious sunlight.
The good news is that my snapdragons and begonias still seem to be going strong despite the cooler temperatures and the reduced amount of daily sunlight!
In addition to clearing out the leaves, I also FINALLY ripped out my purple "potato plant" that has this obnoxious tendency to overtake the garden. I suppose it is good ground cover. But that just means it grows like a weed and kills everything pretty that gets in its way. Also, the aphids just LOVE it, so its leaves are full of holes.
I hate that plant. And now it is no more. Bye bye hideous purple potato plant!
I trimmed back the coleus, which had finally died, and I also trimmed back my hosta. I was worried that my hydrangeas had died, but it turns out that they are just dormant. Hopefully they will survive the winter and do well next spring.
And finally, most excitingly, I bought some bulbs. I got a bunch of tulips for the full sun part of the garden and some other bulbs (hyacinth and muscari -- I didn't know what these looked like before) which looked like they'd go with the tulips. Not too expensive, and hopefully they'll be delivered this week. I am so excited!
And now I have something other than this godforsaken grant to look forward to this spring. Yippee!
And besides, my baby plants needed me to remove the wet leaves that had fallen from the nearby cherry and oak trees so that their leaves would no longer be deprived of precious sunlight.
The good news is that my snapdragons and begonias still seem to be going strong despite the cooler temperatures and the reduced amount of daily sunlight!
In addition to clearing out the leaves, I also FINALLY ripped out my purple "potato plant" that has this obnoxious tendency to overtake the garden. I suppose it is good ground cover. But that just means it grows like a weed and kills everything pretty that gets in its way. Also, the aphids just LOVE it, so its leaves are full of holes.
I hate that plant. And now it is no more. Bye bye hideous purple potato plant!
I trimmed back the coleus, which had finally died, and I also trimmed back my hosta. I was worried that my hydrangeas had died, but it turns out that they are just dormant. Hopefully they will survive the winter and do well next spring.
And finally, most excitingly, I bought some bulbs. I got a bunch of tulips for the full sun part of the garden and some other bulbs (hyacinth and muscari -- I didn't know what these looked like before) which looked like they'd go with the tulips. Not too expensive, and hopefully they'll be delivered this week. I am so excited!
And now I have something other than this godforsaken grant to look forward to this spring. Yippee!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Maternity Leave During Residency
Every time I muse about what specialty to go into around one of the fellow, he tells me unequivocally, "Peds."
Why?
Because Peds is relatively "family friendly" compared to medicine. During residency. For instance, I've heard that if you have a baby during residency as a medicine resident, that someone has to cover you from the "jeopardy" list (i.e. the list of people who would not have to work if it weren't for you). At the children's hospital the jeopardy person still has to cover you, but they get PAID EXTRA for it.
The result? Less hostility and resentment directed towards you by your fellow residents at the children's hospital for taking your 6 weeks of maternity "vacation."
****
I ended up spending a few moments talking with a classmate yesterday who recently had a baby. She told me that she was told by a surgeon that he wouldn't rank an applicant who told him she wanted a child during residency, and wanted to take 3 months of maternity leave.
Granted, 3 months is a long time off by residency standards, 6 weeks being the "norm."
But not ranking her? It seemed a little harsh.
And anyway it bothers me that certain careers are "off-limits" from a practical standpoint for any woman who wants to have a child within the next 5-7 years. Sure, you can deliver your baby and go straight back to the OR (provided you have round the clock childcare available to you at home). But who really wants to do that?
I don't know why this subject came up during the residency interview, but it stuck me as a touch..... discriminatory. Maybe even slightly illegal. But what do I know anyway.
It really saddens me to think that we women may end up choosing our specialties based on how a residency program treats maternity leave, and not on what kind of medicine you'll end up practicing as an attending. Especially given that even the "good" residencies often suck in this department too.
It just sucks that medicine hasn't figured out how to be more accommodating to families during residency (and that surgery as a specialty still largely has its head up its ass). As a doctor, you spend so much of your life helping other people, and then get abused when you dare to do something for yourself. It just doesn't seem fair.
Why?
Because Peds is relatively "family friendly" compared to medicine. During residency. For instance, I've heard that if you have a baby during residency as a medicine resident, that someone has to cover you from the "jeopardy" list (i.e. the list of people who would not have to work if it weren't for you). At the children's hospital the jeopardy person still has to cover you, but they get PAID EXTRA for it.
The result? Less hostility and resentment directed towards you by your fellow residents at the children's hospital for taking your 6 weeks of maternity "vacation."
****
I ended up spending a few moments talking with a classmate yesterday who recently had a baby. She told me that she was told by a surgeon that he wouldn't rank an applicant who told him she wanted a child during residency, and wanted to take 3 months of maternity leave.
Granted, 3 months is a long time off by residency standards, 6 weeks being the "norm."
But not ranking her? It seemed a little harsh.
And anyway it bothers me that certain careers are "off-limits" from a practical standpoint for any woman who wants to have a child within the next 5-7 years. Sure, you can deliver your baby and go straight back to the OR (provided you have round the clock childcare available to you at home). But who really wants to do that?
I don't know why this subject came up during the residency interview, but it stuck me as a touch..... discriminatory. Maybe even slightly illegal. But what do I know anyway.
It really saddens me to think that we women may end up choosing our specialties based on how a residency program treats maternity leave, and not on what kind of medicine you'll end up practicing as an attending. Especially given that even the "good" residencies often suck in this department too.
It just sucks that medicine hasn't figured out how to be more accommodating to families during residency (and that surgery as a specialty still largely has its head up its ass). As a doctor, you spend so much of your life helping other people, and then get abused when you dare to do something for yourself. It just doesn't seem fair.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Today was not productive
But at least my econ exam is over, so who cares!
6:00 alarm
6:10 alarm
6:20 alarm
6:30 get up
procrastinate
7:30 leave for pool
8:15 get ready to jump in water, get ambushed by friend in conversation for 30 minutes!
8:45 swim
miss seminar
9:15 emerge from depths
10:00 get to campus
run into old med school classmates
10:45 realize if I don't stop chatting I'll miss class
11:00 class
12:45 class has run over, and I realize I forgot my calculator at home -- but I need it for my exam at 3!
get ride from very nice woman who is friends of a friend -- Thank you!!!
1:45 arrive 15 minutes late to next class
2:30 class ends I finally eat
3:00 exam (didn't need calculator after all)
4:15 exam ends, class picks up immediately after
5:40 class ends late
head to MD-PhD seminar
5:50 catch tail end of seminar
6:15 Luca picks me up on his way home from work
6:30 blog about immensely unproductive day
I think at this point I will compose myself and figure out what to do for work tomorrow and the weekend. Maybe I will watch some Netflix TV and then read some biostats.... We got disc 2 of "My So Called Life," and I've been looking forward to it for the last 5 days.
6:00 alarm
6:10 alarm
6:20 alarm
6:30 get up
procrastinate
7:30 leave for pool
8:15 get ready to jump in water, get ambushed by friend in conversation for 30 minutes!
8:45 swim
miss seminar
9:15 emerge from depths
10:00 get to campus
run into old med school classmates
10:45 realize if I don't stop chatting I'll miss class
11:00 class
12:45 class has run over, and I realize I forgot my calculator at home -- but I need it for my exam at 3!
get ride from very nice woman who is friends of a friend -- Thank you!!!
1:45 arrive 15 minutes late to next class
2:30 class ends I finally eat
3:00 exam (didn't need calculator after all)
4:15 exam ends, class picks up immediately after
5:40 class ends late
head to MD-PhD seminar
5:50 catch tail end of seminar
6:15 Luca picks me up on his way home from work
6:30 blog about immensely unproductive day
I think at this point I will compose myself and figure out what to do for work tomorrow and the weekend. Maybe I will watch some Netflix TV and then read some biostats.... We got disc 2 of "My So Called Life," and I've been looking forward to it for the last 5 days.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Lars
Over the weekend, Luca and I watched Lars and the Real Girl. It's about a reclusive man who buys a Real Doll online, and then takes her around to meet his family, to work parties, out in public, as though the doll were his girlfriend.
Everyone in the community is very supportive of him. While they know Lars is mentally ill, they see his behavior as harmless, and do their best to make Bianca (the real doll) part of their lives and to treat her as though she were a person. They humor Lars' delusion for as long as it lasts.
I won't give the plot away entirely, but it all works out in the end, suffice to say.
What struck me about this movie was the contrast between how this imaginary community embraced Lars despite their shock and horror about his bizarre delusion, and what would have happened if this were Real LifeTM.
In Real LifeTM, likely his doctor would have chased him around with a depot injection of haldol, he would have been ostracized from his family and community, and he would probably have been put on some sex offender watch list and prohibited from being near children.
Yay, rest of life!
Not to pooh pooh the benefits of anti-psychotic medications for certain patient populations, or anything.
I found the community's embrace of him a heartwarming break from reality. Also, I appreciated that the film maker took great pains to portray Lars as a person, and not just as a crazy person.
Also, I should add, the movie was funny. As one might imagine.
****
Anyway, back to studying econ!
Everyone in the community is very supportive of him. While they know Lars is mentally ill, they see his behavior as harmless, and do their best to make Bianca (the real doll) part of their lives and to treat her as though she were a person. They humor Lars' delusion for as long as it lasts.
I won't give the plot away entirely, but it all works out in the end, suffice to say.
What struck me about this movie was the contrast between how this imaginary community embraced Lars despite their shock and horror about his bizarre delusion, and what would have happened if this were Real LifeTM.
In Real LifeTM, likely his doctor would have chased him around with a depot injection of haldol, he would have been ostracized from his family and community, and he would probably have been put on some sex offender watch list and prohibited from being near children.
Yay, rest of life!
Not to pooh pooh the benefits of anti-psychotic medications for certain patient populations, or anything.
I found the community's embrace of him a heartwarming break from reality. Also, I appreciated that the film maker took great pains to portray Lars as a person, and not just as a crazy person.
Also, I should add, the movie was funny. As one might imagine.
****
Anyway, back to studying econ!
Monday, November 09, 2009
Health Care Reform
There's a really excellent editorial about health care reform by William Saletan in Slate this morning.
I'm going to try out my new running shoes now. It's 53 and sunny -- it should be a good one!
I'm going to try out my new running shoes now. It's 53 and sunny -- it should be a good one!
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Blahs
I don't know if it is apparent from reading this blog, but I've not been enjoying life that much of late. I don't know if this is normal for the transition to PhD-land, and it will get better as I progress further, but I've been having a serious case of the grad school blahs these past two months.
I'm still glad I'm doing this program (I think), but being the first person to combine a particular PhD program with the MD is HARD. I'm getting jerked around about my funding. Nobody knows how I should be balancing course work and grad school work, so I'm getting pulled in multiple directions. Many of the master's students who are fellows -- the people who are in my classes and who I spend most of my time with -- treat me like garbage. And I am seeing my med school classmates move on and start the process of becoming doctors. I feel like I am being left behind.
Add to that the prospect of residency at the end of all of this, and thinking about having to relearn all that material, is sobering at best. Actually, the relearning doesn't bother me so much. It's being forced to work with said fellows who treat me like garbage for ANOTHER 3-4 years as a resident that I think I am dreading most.
So, I am writing this post to remind myself of things (besides sleeping) that still make me happy. I will try to think of ten of them.
1. The feeling I get after a swim where I've showered and I walk outside, and I feel all warm and toasty in the cool air.
2. Making dinner together with my husband every night.
3. Reading 5 pages of Anna Karenina before I go to bed each (most) night(s).
4. Doing biostats problem sets. Becoming completely focused and lost in the subject. Solving new problems successfully.
5. Walking to school. If I get up early enough there aren't hoards of undergrads around and it can be very peaceful. (Otherwise it sucks.)
6. Talking with my friends (an increasingly rare occurrence). I said TALKING, not complaining.
7. Getting the phone call from my husband that he's at the zoo and will be there to pick me up from school in 5 minutes.
8. Writing blog posts (thank you commenter #1)
9.
Well I can't think of anything else right now. Sorry.
I'm still glad I'm doing this program (I think), but being the first person to combine a particular PhD program with the MD is HARD. I'm getting jerked around about my funding. Nobody knows how I should be balancing course work and grad school work, so I'm getting pulled in multiple directions. Many of the master's students who are fellows -- the people who are in my classes and who I spend most of my time with -- treat me like garbage. And I am seeing my med school classmates move on and start the process of becoming doctors. I feel like I am being left behind.
Add to that the prospect of residency at the end of all of this, and thinking about having to relearn all that material, is sobering at best. Actually, the relearning doesn't bother me so much. It's being forced to work with said fellows who treat me like garbage for ANOTHER 3-4 years as a resident that I think I am dreading most.
So, I am writing this post to remind myself of things (besides sleeping) that still make me happy. I will try to think of ten of them.
1. The feeling I get after a swim where I've showered and I walk outside, and I feel all warm and toasty in the cool air.
2. Making dinner together with my husband every night.
3. Reading 5 pages of Anna Karenina before I go to bed each (most) night(s).
4. Doing biostats problem sets. Becoming completely focused and lost in the subject. Solving new problems successfully.
5. Walking to school. If I get up early enough there aren't hoards of undergrads around and it can be very peaceful. (Otherwise it sucks.)
6. Talking with my friends (an increasingly rare occurrence). I said TALKING, not complaining.
7. Getting the phone call from my husband that he's at the zoo and will be there to pick me up from school in 5 minutes.
8. Writing blog posts (thank you commenter #1)
9.
Well I can't think of anything else right now. Sorry.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Back in the day
I remember when I was working as a research project manager before I came to med school.
There were these other project managers who had an office on a different floor. The office was shared by several of them. As was customary, one day they received a name plate for their door.
That didn't last long.
You see, a bunch -- not just one -- of the attendings on the floor objected to the fact that the names of the project managers on the name plate were in a larger font than the name plates on their doors. This was completely and utterly inappropriate. Afterall, they as ATTENDINGS had worked hard in the past (obviously harder than mere project managers could ever dream) and they therefore deserved to have their names in the biggest font.
So the name plate came down.
*****
Now I suppose I should relate this in someway to my experience being a medical student, and what it must be like to work with a bunch of narcissists.
But I won't. I'm sure you all can imagine just fine.
I'm supposed to add that *not all* doctors are like this, so that any doctor who reads this can take comfort in thinking, "Well, some doctors are jerks, but THAT'S NOT ME."
All I can say is that I promised myself I would never be like that when I (finally) became a doctor. I would rather die than be that kind of person.
I wonder if they used to feel that way too?
There were these other project managers who had an office on a different floor. The office was shared by several of them. As was customary, one day they received a name plate for their door.
That didn't last long.
You see, a bunch -- not just one -- of the attendings on the floor objected to the fact that the names of the project managers on the name plate were in a larger font than the name plates on their doors. This was completely and utterly inappropriate. Afterall, they as ATTENDINGS had worked hard in the past (obviously harder than mere project managers could ever dream) and they therefore deserved to have their names in the biggest font.
So the name plate came down.
*****
Now I suppose I should relate this in someway to my experience being a medical student, and what it must be like to work with a bunch of narcissists.
But I won't. I'm sure you all can imagine just fine.
I'm supposed to add that *not all* doctors are like this, so that any doctor who reads this can take comfort in thinking, "Well, some doctors are jerks, but THAT'S NOT ME."
All I can say is that I promised myself I would never be like that when I (finally) became a doctor. I would rather die than be that kind of person.
I wonder if they used to feel that way too?
Friday, November 06, 2009
Mentorship
So a few weeks ago I wrote about a seminar I went to about finding a mentor. During the seminar, one of the residents said that she'd been having trouble finding a mentor in her area of research. And her area of research was my area of research.
I decided that I might be able to help her find people to talk to in this area, so I sent her an email after the meeting.
We met, and it turned out that she basically hadn't talked to ANYBODY who I knew. So I gave her some names, and we chatted for about 30 minutes.
Afterward she said, "I am SO SORRY that I wasn't able to buy you coffee."
I was confused. It was 6PM. Coffee? Huh?
So I asked, "Why would you buy me coffee?"
"Because a resident is always supposed to buy her med student coffee."
Ouch.
See, I hadn't looked at it at all like that kind of conversation. "Her" med student? To me, we were speaking to one another as researchers who are interested in studying similar subjects.
So I said, "Oh, well it's not like you're MY resident now. If anything according to that logic, I should be buying you coffee since *I* am giving *YOU* information, not the other way around."
She said, "But the resident is ALWAYS supposed to buy the med student coffee."
I guess I was being overly optimistic that she'd be able to relate to me as a person and not simply as "her med student."
:-P
I decided that I might be able to help her find people to talk to in this area, so I sent her an email after the meeting.
We met, and it turned out that she basically hadn't talked to ANYBODY who I knew. So I gave her some names, and we chatted for about 30 minutes.
Afterward she said, "I am SO SORRY that I wasn't able to buy you coffee."
I was confused. It was 6PM. Coffee? Huh?
So I asked, "Why would you buy me coffee?"
"Because a resident is always supposed to buy her med student coffee."
Ouch.
See, I hadn't looked at it at all like that kind of conversation. "Her" med student? To me, we were speaking to one another as researchers who are interested in studying similar subjects.
So I said, "Oh, well it's not like you're MY resident now. If anything according to that logic, I should be buying you coffee since *I* am giving *YOU* information, not the other way around."
She said, "But the resident is ALWAYS supposed to buy the med student coffee."
I guess I was being overly optimistic that she'd be able to relate to me as a person and not simply as "her med student."
:-P
Thursday, November 05, 2009
2 sides of the coin
In the elevator, some of the Master's program students were trashing a PhD epi person who was interviewing for a job. I won't go into details, but the upshot of the conversation was: How can she *possibly* do good research if she doesn't have an MD? Afterall, going to medical school is the only way one can *truly grasp* the clinical significance of the research you're doing. People with *only* a PhD in epi just aren't qualified to hold faculty jobs doing epidemiological research. Well, not as qualified as *we* will be, anyway.
I pointed out that there were plenty of doctors out there doing crappy epi research because they didn't know anything about how to design a study, despite their high level of clinical knowledge.
Then I got, "Well you really should have to do both (like we are doing), getting an MD AND a master's degree."
Well, fine. But if they think that the master's program they're enrolled in will make them experts in research without years of experience on top of that.
*shakes head*
Such a pet peeve of mine when doctors think that their MD makes them experts in everything. And that they think that other people can't possibly be better than they are at anything. These types of conversations epitomize what I find distasteful about many of them.
It just makes me so angry.
I pointed out that there were plenty of doctors out there doing crappy epi research because they didn't know anything about how to design a study, despite their high level of clinical knowledge.
Then I got, "Well you really should have to do both (like we are doing), getting an MD AND a master's degree."
Well, fine. But if they think that the master's program they're enrolled in will make them experts in research without years of experience on top of that.
*shakes head*
Such a pet peeve of mine when doctors think that their MD makes them experts in everything. And that they think that other people can't possibly be better than they are at anything. These types of conversations epitomize what I find distasteful about many of them.
It just makes me so angry.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
New Jersey
When Luca and I bought our house, we decided that we were too cheap to get cable. It's freaking EXPENSIVE! (Comcast SUX!) Well whatever. Most of the programming is of dubious value anyway. I mean come on. Rock of Love Bus?
We felt that we'd had our fill with the "free" cable that we got at our old apartment.
And plus! We have Netflix. Who needs cable anyway.
*****
The side effect of this is now we only have local channels (plus Universal Sports -- the most awesome channel ever).
And the side effect of THAT is that we get to see all of the political ads that come out right around election time.
The ones that were the most ubiquitous this year were the Jon Corzine/Chris Christie ads for the position of governor of New Jersey. Corzine was (I can say that now) the incumbent, but supposedly was very unpopular. I guess his constituents held him responsible for the economy?
Anyway, the race between these two gents was frighteningly close. Then suddenly, about two months ago, we started seeing ads basically insinuating that Chris Christie was lazy and slothful -- and would therefore make a bad governor -- because he is obese. They showed footage of him rolling out of an SUV, flab-a-jigglin, then lumbering by the cameras with this voice-over saying essentially that. I found these ads incredibly offensive.
Other Corzine ads talked about how Christie was going to kill your mother by denying her mammogram coverage.
Or, "Chris Christie threw his WEIGHT AROUND..."
By contrast the Christie ads -- at least the ones I saw -- usually focused on what a bad job Corzine had done as the incumbent.
I gotta say, the negative ads made me feel bad for the guy. Particularly the ones that insinuated that he was incompetent because he was obese. I think this was the opposite of the intentions the Corzine ad campaign had.
And apparently I am not the only one who felt this way, as Chris Christie actually won yesterday. By the thinnest of margins.
PS -- This post isn't about who I voted for. I don't live in NJ. So please don't yell at me in the comments. Also, if you think you are going to persuade me to dislike all Republican candidates because they are.... Republican.... by posting inflammatory comments, please think again. I vote for the candidate, not the party.
We felt that we'd had our fill with the "free" cable that we got at our old apartment.
And plus! We have Netflix. Who needs cable anyway.
*****
The side effect of this is now we only have local channels (plus Universal Sports -- the most awesome channel ever).
And the side effect of THAT is that we get to see all of the political ads that come out right around election time.
The ones that were the most ubiquitous this year were the Jon Corzine/Chris Christie ads for the position of governor of New Jersey. Corzine was (I can say that now) the incumbent, but supposedly was very unpopular. I guess his constituents held him responsible for the economy?
Anyway, the race between these two gents was frighteningly close. Then suddenly, about two months ago, we started seeing ads basically insinuating that Chris Christie was lazy and slothful -- and would therefore make a bad governor -- because he is obese. They showed footage of him rolling out of an SUV, flab-a-jigglin, then lumbering by the cameras with this voice-over saying essentially that. I found these ads incredibly offensive.
Other Corzine ads talked about how Christie was going to kill your mother by denying her mammogram coverage.
Or, "Chris Christie threw his WEIGHT AROUND..."
By contrast the Christie ads -- at least the ones I saw -- usually focused on what a bad job Corzine had done as the incumbent.
I gotta say, the negative ads made me feel bad for the guy. Particularly the ones that insinuated that he was incompetent because he was obese. I think this was the opposite of the intentions the Corzine ad campaign had.
And apparently I am not the only one who felt this way, as Chris Christie actually won yesterday. By the thinnest of margins.
PS -- This post isn't about who I voted for. I don't live in NJ. So please don't yell at me in the comments. Also, if you think you are going to persuade me to dislike all Republican candidates because they are.... Republican.... by posting inflammatory comments, please think again. I vote for the candidate, not the party.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Terror
In most of the MD-PhD programs that I am aware of, the standard curriculum involves the completion of 2 years of med school followed by the PhD, followed by 2 more years of med school.
For my MD-PhD program, I was permitted to finish most of medical school before starting my PhD. This is because Epi is considered more inherently clinical than most other fields, and it was considered important that I knew as much clinical stuff as I could before I started the PhD.
Frankly, this extra time in the clinics has been invaluable to me. I am sure that I wouldn't have figured out that I liked critical care had I only had the first 6 months of the clinical rotations behind me. I might have done something idiotic like cancer research, which as it turns out I cannot stand clinically. Plus, I actually feel like I know something.
And IMPORTANTLY I never have to be a core clerkship student again. Praise the lord.
Of course doing the program this way strikes terror into the hearts of the administrators of my program because I COULD DROP OUT. I.e. I'd have only 1 year of med school to pay for rather than two at the end. Thus less incentive to finish the PhD.
As if having to be a full time doctor were not incentive enough to make me want to finish my PhD. Come on now, people.
I received a LOT of pressure during my first two years to conform to the program that everyone else was doing. And in retrospect, I'm really glad I didn't succumb. I am a lot better off this way.
Though recently I heard that MD-PhD students were no longer "allowed" to do the program "my way." I wondered whether that were really true. Whether even Epi people have to do this program the traditional way -- without adequate exposure to clinical medicine.
Perhaps I struck too much terror into the hearts of my department administrators with my doubly non-trad pathway?
Oh well. Too bad for everyone else.
For my MD-PhD program, I was permitted to finish most of medical school before starting my PhD. This is because Epi is considered more inherently clinical than most other fields, and it was considered important that I knew as much clinical stuff as I could before I started the PhD.
Frankly, this extra time in the clinics has been invaluable to me. I am sure that I wouldn't have figured out that I liked critical care had I only had the first 6 months of the clinical rotations behind me. I might have done something idiotic like cancer research, which as it turns out I cannot stand clinically. Plus, I actually feel like I know something.
And IMPORTANTLY I never have to be a core clerkship student again. Praise the lord.
Of course doing the program this way strikes terror into the hearts of the administrators of my program because I COULD DROP OUT. I.e. I'd have only 1 year of med school to pay for rather than two at the end. Thus less incentive to finish the PhD.
As if having to be a full time doctor were not incentive enough to make me want to finish my PhD. Come on now, people.
I received a LOT of pressure during my first two years to conform to the program that everyone else was doing. And in retrospect, I'm really glad I didn't succumb. I am a lot better off this way.
Though recently I heard that MD-PhD students were no longer "allowed" to do the program "my way." I wondered whether that were really true. Whether even Epi people have to do this program the traditional way -- without adequate exposure to clinical medicine.
Perhaps I struck too much terror into the hearts of my department administrators with my doubly non-trad pathway?
Oh well. Too bad for everyone else.
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