I had a conversation with a med school friend of mine about babies. Actually, it was about her annoyance with the requirement that she be interested in other people's babies. She's 26, and while I didn't tell her this at the time (Hi M! Please don't be pissed that I'm blogging about this!!!), I remember having this EXACT SAME conversation with my friend Trix when I was her age.
Actually I may have been older. 29 perhaps?
Anyway, neither of us are born "baby people." And by "baby people," I mean the type of person who naturally runs shrieking and cooing after any child too young to wipe his or her own butt. We all know this person. I personally find this phenotype highly irritating, but that's just me. It's not that I dislike kids either. Au contraire!! I actually really like kids, and have been told by several sources (!) that I'm good with them.
It turns out that a lot of kids don't do so well with the shrieking banshee type person either.
Now that I'm 33 and am THINKING about having babies one day myself, I find that it's a lot easier to fake interest in other people's children. So easy, in fact, that it's really not fake anymore, and I have begun to genuinely enjoy the ritual. You can make a woman really happy by fawning over her baby! It feels good to make people happy.
Anyway, in light of the fact that despite one's possible lack of interest in other people's children, it is considered polite to make a socially appropriate remark when confronted with a baby or baby picture, I decided to compile a list of socially appropriate remarks that the non-baby person can fall back upon when confronted with this situation. Most can be adapted with other physical/personality attributes. Focus on the positive!
1. Look at those chubby cheeks! (or thunder thighs)
2. He/she has the most beautiful curls! They're just like his mommy's/ daddy's!
3. He/she is getting so big!! (never comment that someone's baby is small)
4. He/she has his daddy's big head!
5. He/she is so cute you could just eat him/her!
For toddlers, many of the same comments apply. You can also say something to the toddler who may then hide from you. This is normal. Feel free to talk to the adults then, perhaps making eye contact with the toddler or waving if they emerge from behind their parent's legs. If the parent tries to get the kid to wave or say hi, and the kid refuses, you can shrug and say, "He/she has a mind of his/her own!"
And most of all, try to be understanding of the fact that when people have kids, that's what their lives revolve around now. It's not meant as a slight against you that all they can talk about is the baby. It's like when you go to med school and you alienate all your non-med friends because you can't think, much less talk, about anything besides school.
One day -- even though you say now you'll never be like that -- that may be you.
23 Pearls of Wisdom:
What a great post! I was one of those non-baby people who would actually cringe when someone would say, "Do you want to hold my baby?" After deciding to be childless and focus on career, I chose to become a mother at 37 - people do change their minds. Our childless friends were adopting and having fun with parenthood and we re-evaluated the topic of children. Stubble started college this week and other than some of the teen years, it has been a wonderful trip.
I have two kids, I love them. Babies are fine. I don't tend to get all worked up over any kid really. Well, I do volunteer work with CASA but I'm just not a "sqeee, look at the baaaayyyybee" kind of person.
I have a billion other things to disuss with another adult than how prescious their little snowflake is for finding their hand. I just don't get that part.
So anyway, I'm with you.
CC -- OMG I know! I'm always like, "No, thank you... I don't want to drop them!" Then I get a funny look.
S -- Yes, it is nice to move on to other subjects sometimes, too.
OMDG -
On the shrieking banshee types, I will share that as a mom, my instinct with that kind of approach is to bodily place myself between the shrieker and my child. Neither of my girls like or have liked the shriekers, so there's that, too.
You've got a solid parallel between the med school/non-med-school and parenting/non-parenting gulfs. In those worlds, I think I might be lucky because I can talk to my mom about both with neither party getting bored. It's an outlet for the "how awesome this subject/my kid is!" wish to discuss.
M/H -- Totally. Sometimes you just have to find someone to tell the cute kid/medical school story to. You're fortunate that your mom can adopt both roles for you!
I realize I must carry on about my dog ALL THE TIME, though recently I've tried to restrain myself slightly since I can imagine that the non-dog people around me really could care less! I pity my poor friends if/when a baby comes along. If I'm this bad with the dog, I can only imagine how annoying I will be about a baby!
Oh my gawd I am so pissed at u 4 bloggin abt me u ho ;)
Seriously though, haha, of course I don't mind!! I still suck at faking it, too... you are entirely correct. It's funny, because I can fake interest in almost any topic in medicine, and the attendings always eat it up. I stare at them all wide-eyed and nodding, asking curious questions... they love it. Anyway, I think maybe I have a problem faking it for babies because everyone *else* fakes it so much ... and usually when everyone else does something a lot, I am disinclined to do it, because I'm just silly like that. I should probably start breaking this habit ASAP though because everyone is about to go having these baby things very very soon... haha
Nevertheless my dear, if/when you have yours, my glee won't be fake. I will care about the babies of people I care about, of that I am quite sure.
You will be fine with a baby. I never had a dog growing up and now I have two female canines. I've turned into a big dog person (in fact, I think I might own Boo's sister - she is a female pitbull mix with a lot of the same personality traits). I think that I annoy my family and friends with stories about the dogs..... I also happen to be pregnant with my first baby so soon I'll be one of those annoying baby people too.
Megan --
See, this is why we get along so well. I do the EXACT same thing. It's as though -- since I'm expected to do something -- I find it completely irresistible to do the opposite.
I like your list!!! I have often found myself at a loss for what to say when someone shows me a picture of a baby who is . . . just not cute. I mean, really -- some of them are scary looking! I end up LYING and saying, "Oh, she's BEAUTIFUL!" which I hate doing. Next time, I'll comment on the eyes! Cheeks! Hair! Whatever feature stands out! Excellent idea. :)
I DEFINITELY never want to hold someone's baby, because they ALWAYS start to cry, or I get tired of holding the baby and can't figure out a socially acceptable way to say, "Can you please take your kid back now?". I've never been a squeal-over-the-baby kind of person, even though I like them (and would like to have a couple, eventually!). I just don't see what's that interesting about a baby -- they just lay there! If they're feeling particularly energetic they may a) scream, b) try to pull your hair/earrings/glasses, c) puke on you. Whoa, FUN!!!
Instead, whenever I hear someone squeal over cuteness, my puppy radar goes off! And them I'm so disappointed when it turns out to just be a human baby. Puppies are so much cuter. :)
LIVS -- Haha! I totally squeal over puppies. And also over other adult pets. Animals are cuter than humans as a general rule.
I too love kids but am not quite ready to entertain the notion of having my own.
I also hate having to fake interest in other people's kids. When asked if I want to hold someone's child, I usually revert to the "Oh I would, but I'm just getting over a cold"- works every time.
I have a child and want more, soonish...but I dislike the crazy screaming baby people. Both in that I am not one. I can think my friends babies are cute and comment on them, but I'm not baby crazy. Also if I were the new mom and some screamer was coming at my baby, my first instinct would be to trip her!
Wait until you get to the "He's so cute, dont' worry about the vase, I'm sure the Smithsonian has another one just like it, somewhere" stage
Why do people have babies and then walk around trying to hand them off anyone they can? You had the thing, you deal with it and all the disgusting things that are bound to come squirting out of it.
No I don't like kids. I had my tubes tied as soon as I could find a doc that would do it. Amazing at how many doctors balk at doing it based solely on moral convictions, like oh you'll change your mind. Get a grip, my body and my decision; one I have never regretted.
I deal with the situation by says yes your baby has cute "whatever" and cross my arms and say no I don't want to hold it.
I know I am a grinch. But I also don't go around telling people how wonderful my dogs are all the time! And they are (cuter than your kid).
I may be a little bit unusual, but I hate it when people fawn over my baby. Especially since it tends to be accompanied by touching her (get your dirty hands that I cannot ensure are sanitized away from her), or horrible and not needed advice (like telling me to put rice cereal in her bottle to help her sleep through the night, which has been shown to increase the risks of SIDS, and she has been sleeping through the night for months, thank you). I find it especially annoying when it's from people who are complete and utter strangers! My child is none of their darn business.
Another issue is that them oohing and aahing tends to take up time, as I have to then sit there and fake the polite nod while they go off forever. You really don't need to give me a 20 page list of all her features, I'm aware of what she looks like. And of course as a working mother and student I have nothing better to do but use my child to entertain you.
I also hate the emphasize on looks, which are so unimportant and that baby face will grow up. This may stem from my "cute" little sister who now thinks she is a gift to the world and can get away with murder because she is cute, and is frequently told so. I would much rather focus on my daughter's personality and recent milestones she's achieved, but as someone who doesn't know her or I, you don't know anything about this making the conversation moot.
Occasionally on a very rare day when I'm feeling unusually happy I may tolerate a short, "You're daughter is adorable. How old is she?" But you better be off and not wasting my time after that. And it doesn't mean much more to me than if they had said, "I like your shoes, where did you get them?"
If you really want a mother's respect, ask her about her, what does she like, how is she balancing the stress of this child. No one ever does that, and people need to remember that mom's are people too, not just baby holders. They have their own lives and hobbies, other than just their kids, yep even the stay at home ones.
Brit -- Ah yes, the unsolicited advice. I was going to recommend not providing that in this post, but didn't feel like going there. Unless the mom is doing something wacko like swinging the baby around her head by the ankle like a lasso.
It would never occur to me to touch another person's baby without invitation. Dear God.
You say that you don't like comments from strangers? I get that. It's a little weird to comment on a stranger's kid, at least to me. This post was mostly about friends/co-worker's baby's. I'm guessing you're probably not the type to bring up the subject of your offspring in public, so finding something socially appropriate to say about them probably doesn't come up that often for your friends.
Nice post. I like normal babies, too. I like kids in general of any age... But at work, I don't always find them cute. Ours are withdrawing from narcotics, so the shrieking cat-like screaming and inability to calm them is like a knife in your heart at 4 am. I truly understand now how some parents swing their kids by their feet into a wall or suffocate them with a pillow. Because with these kids... you can't "let them cry" or "walk away" because well... if you do, they'll desat and code... Gives you a WHOOOLE new perspective on things... Just my 2 cents. But healthy kids, yeah, any day! :)
You could also include a list of things NOT to say to a pregnant mom!
1) Stories of who had which child with xxx disorder
2) Stories of who had a child that died in utero (or shortly thereafter)
3) Stories of why chromosomal defects are blah blah blah for this or that at her age
4) ANY stories that are NOT positive
Women are moody to being with generaly (we are, just some fake it better than others - ala me) so top that natural tendency for mood swings, x1000000, and you have one eternally hormonal female now protecting her pride hearing stories she'd rather not hear.
It's more often than you'd think, and always, inappropriate to do the above.
AD2B
Ad2b -- Haha!! Maybe I will do that.
This isnt related to your post, but I am 25 years old, lost my job and cant find another one, contemplating medical school. Do you think a post-bac is worth it? It would take me 10-12 years to start earning an income. I would opt for a 4-5 yr residency. Just wondering what the heck I should do with my life? HOw you went about the decision making process?
I find this absolutely hilarious! I'm not a shrieking banshee type, but I've always loved babies and kids and naturally enjoy being around them. (Probably why I am 26 and have two of my own and am planning to go into pedes) I think a guide to feigning interest in them is a hoot.
I read this post at the right time. I have to go to a bunch of baby showers and kiddie birthday parties and I'm not looking forward to awkwardly saying "umm cute kid" while putting in ear buds to drown out the squealing. But I do like kids - especially the smart-ass ones!
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