When I got married to Luca a little over 4 years ago, one of the PhD students in the Epi department made some comment about how we were (obviously) going to merge finances. I was kind of put out by the comment. What we do with our money is none of his business, and quite frankly he was rude to bring it up at all, and ever ruder to prescribe to me that we *should* merge.
On the other hand, I wasn't all that surprised since he also (often) told me about his sexual exploits with 25 year old women (he was in his late 30s). His comments had long since ceased to shock me.
(He also told me that my marriage was going to fail because we didn't merge finances.... but I digress.)
At any rate, we didn't merge our finances when we got married. Well, I should clarify. We merged a couple of things to appease the green card people. But currently our merged checking account has less than $200 in it, and we almost never use it. In our heads all the $ is in one big pot. But in reality it is not. I bring this up because there is a series on Slate about how couples manage their money that came out this morning, and I was surprised to find that we are in the minority.
I was also surprised to find out that people still argue over how much money the wife spends on the hairdresser. What is this, the 1950s?
Anyhow, we don't really ever fight about money either. Never fear, relationship enviers, we definitely fight over other things. I think this is partly because we don't have kids and aren't financially strapped at the moment. But also, it's because neither of us like to spend money (we're both hoarders). This is in stark contrast to the boat anchor that I dated prior to Luca. He assumed without asking that everything I had was his, which must have been very convenient for him since he brought almost nothing to the table himself. And he was constantly telling me what a selfish jerk I was for desiring something like a designated parking spot for my car (in downtown Chicago), when he wanted a $2000 bicycle. He was not a saver. At all.
That relationship falls into the "live and learn" category I guess. So does the guy I dated in college who had the bill collector on his ass. And this is the first and last time I will ever blog about either of those characters.
Anyway, I guess the point of this post is to say, wow -- I can't believe people still fight about the hairdresser. And also, if and when you get married, find someone who has the same attitudes about money that you have, and you will be much much happier. And also, I love slate.
12 Pearls of Wisdom:
I guess my husband and I are also in the minority. We currently don't have any merged finances.
I sort of got a taste of merged finances when I wasn't working and we were living almost entirely off of my husband's paycheck. Things were definitely more stressful because (obviously) we had a lot less money. My husband was pretty good about doling out rations for groceries, but it definitely felt like a big loss of independence when I needed to ask for usually trivial amounts of money.
We'll probably open a joint account just for savings because when we didn't have my added income, we realized we could live on less and save more.
Anyway, I think you hit the nail on the head. It's really important to find a partner who has similar attitudes about money.
Yeah, finances are something that couples seem to rarely talk about before marriage but is a core belief that is super important. Congrats on finding a good match!
We partially merged finances. We have a checking account for things like mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc... but have separate accounts otherwise. That way, we can buy trivial things when we want to, but we plan for things based on all the money. I am much more of a hoarder than he is, but it works most of the time.
We don't have our finances completely merged. We have one joint account in addition to our individual accounts and our CC's are our own. We're happy with our arrangement for our lives right now.
Funny that you mention haircuts....my husband gives me a hard time every time I get mine cut and colored even though it was his idea to pay for it out of our joint account.
We have been married 13 yrs, have 2 children, I work part time, and make MUCH less money than my husband. We have always had separate checking accounts for each of our respective pay checks. We both have access to both accounts, but we pay for our individual splurges out of our "own" accounts. We have NEVER had a fight about money. We both feel independent and able to buy the things we need, and we see eye to eye on savings plans. I was 19 when we got married, and we totally discussed finances and our personal goals and expectations before we got married. It flabbergasts me to realize how few people actually do discuss finances ahead of time. Marriage is as much a business relationship as it is a romantic one!
I guess I'm speaking from being in the majority for once, but I merged my finances (mostly) with my wife when we got married. We have have a shared bills account and savings - most of which came from the wedding.
On the other hand we do have separate accounts for our wages and some independent savings. This isn't because we're holding out on each other, but rather that it was just easier this way.
I don't think it's because we're a traditional couple, but rather because it's made bills, rent and high-interest savings easier to organise. It's a nice feeling to know that we're in this together, though. A bit like a financial expression of the promises of our wedding vows, maybe?
Coming from a family that's super obsessed with money, and two parents on their second marriages with separate finances, I love having shared finances. When I see my parents argue with their spouses about who's going to pay for what, I really don't like that. I love the fact that when my husband gets a raise, we can both celebrate equally. We do discuss big purchases like a computer, furniture, or a car, but we are both responsible with money so we just basically spend what we want. For us, it works well.
But I do see there's some security in having your own money. I guess there's no perfect way to do things.
omdg- i agree that the state of your own finances is your own business. i was once asked to do worthy charitable solicitation and was terrible at it. having been totally financially mingled for 33 years- the law in many states- i can say it has been painless. but remember that with your talent and training, you will be warm, well fed, and comfortable, and still be able to indulge in fun.
I will chuck a probably boring "legal perspective" in there as to why my husband and I have joint accounts. First of all (this is not the legal reason), just one of us pays all of the bills. We've taken turns with that chore (he is better at it--meaning, he pays them on time, whereas I procrastinate until the last possible minute). It's easier to do that when both of you have access to all of the money. We've gone through various stages in our financial life. I made tons more money than him in the beginning. Then he kicked my ass money-wise and I was "the moocher" when we had babies and I was on maternity leave and working only part-time. I would not, no way, no how, ever want to ask him for money to do something--that's like asking for permission and that puts you in a really weird "mom, can I have my allowance" position that I would not want to be in personally. With both of our names on the accounts (and with both of us with our own ATM cards for each joint account), I've got equal access--and so does he, and I can tell you we totally think of it as one big joint pot, regardless of who earned it. Frankly, most of it belongs to the kids anyway. Haha. Anyway, here's the legal reason I keep everything joint (and why you might want to consider it too, if it makes sense in your state once you start practicing): I am a lawyer, and sometimes, wrongly or rightly, we get sued for malpractice (disclosure: I have never been sued for malpractice, knock on wood). I also lived in Florida, a state where you get sued for making a weird face at someone. An innocent car accident virtually guarantees you a PI lawsuit. My husband was sued once for a vehicle accident that he wasn't even ticketed for. Anyway, Florida is also a "debtor-friendly state". That means it gives people who get sued lots of protections, if you can meet certain conditions. One of the protections is for husbands and wives. Basically, if your spouse gets sued but you hold your property jointly (including your bank accounts), creditors can't attach any of your joint accounts. But they can attack the accounts that are only in the sued spouse's name. So, worst case scenario, in Florida if you held your bank accounts separately and you got sued for malpractice or got sued for any reason, your creditors could clean out your accounts. And also any of your personal property held separately (cars, etc). If you hold all of your property jointly (maritally), then you are basically judgment-proof. I know nobody ever plans to get sued for malpractice, but shit happens. In South Florida, most physicians can expect to get sued at least once in their careers (in the higher risk specialties, some will be sued many more times than that). I know if the worst case scenario happened, I would be protected. That said, if something happened to this marriage and I was to remarry (frankly, I don't think I would remarry), I would definitely have a prenup to protect me and my kids. When I married my husband, we both had nothing. Now, we've got stuff. Stuff I wouldn't want to have to share with a new dude if it didn't work out.
Snakes -- Interesting. I'll have to look into that for PA. It's pretty unlikely that I will be sued for anything medical related for at least a couple more years, but I do live in Philadelphia, so I'm pretty much a lawsuit waiting to happen if you ask certain people here.
Like you said, the key is having a spouse with similar values. A value shopper who buys store brand green beans to save $0.25 married to a woman who buys $400 shoes is a guaranteed problem.
But it works both ways. The issue of the couple arguing about how much she spends on the hairdresser is the same as the couple who argues over his $200 a month golf habit. I know guys who have to ask permission to go do just about anything, even though they earn the vast majority of the household income.
I guess the other key is obvious. Have enough income so that the little indulgences like hair coloring or a round of golf don't break the budget.
-M
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