I remember when I was doing my neurosurgery block many moons ago. We were standing around waiting for x-ray to come and do some films in the OR. The residents had all found chairs, and there was one chair that was located such that I didn't think I could get to it without contaminating myself.
So I just stood there in the middle of the room waiting.
Of COURSE nobody moved to help with the chair.... until the anesthesiology resident took pity on me after 45 minutes or so of standing and got it for me. For which I will be eternally grateful.
But until that point, I just stood there. I told myself that no matter what in 6 hours I would get to go home and that this too would pass. I could stand here for 6 hours motionless if need be. I wouldn't complain. What was there to complain about? Worst case, I would pass out and they would make fun of me, and then I would move on to a new rotation. With new fodder for my blog, at that. No matter what time would pass and in a little while I wouldn't be there anymore. It was that simple.
I thought this a lot on my rotations in the hospital. On EM it was, "Only 4 more hours to go on this shift," or, "Only 3 more shifts to go and then I'm done." On medicine it was, "This time tomorrow I will be post call and at home sleeping." And time literally flew. It was great.
That's part of the beauty of medical school. Yes, it is a lot of work. Yes people can be very unpleasant. But ultimately, if you jump through all the hoops they set up for you and simply bide your time, you WILL graduate, you WILL be a doctor, you WILL get to the next level. Annoying patients will get discharged. That attending who doesn't like you will rotate off your service. You will manage to improve almost in spite of yourself. There is this beautiful finite thing about medicine. You do it, and then it is done. If you work harder, you may actually finish sooner (if you don't get given more work as your reward for finishing early).
In PhD land, no such logic exists. You can work your tail off, and if your data doesn't corroborate your hypothesis, or at least tell some other interesting story, then you're back at square one. If you don't like who you're working with, guess what? You get to keep working with them for YEARS, and then they get to follow you around for the rest of your career. You only meet new people if you go out of your way to do so. It NEVER ENDS.
There is no standing around and waiting until 7PM until it's over and then you can go. You can kill yourself to finish faster, but it might not even matter. Fundamentally you have no control over your life. You'll graduate when your committee says you're done, and not one moment sooner. There truly is never a light at the end of the tunnel.
At least you get to make your own schedule and study what you (in theory) are passionate about. Thank god. Otherwise getting a PhD would be a hell that is totally not worth it.
As a side note, I haven't had a vacation since May of last year. It was one week long. I won't get the same this year. These next few months all I have to look forward to is finishing the semester so I can unload these three classes I can't stand and all the busy work they entail. Then I get to take MORE shitty class over the summer and study for my qualifying exams, all while trying to work on these papers that really, truly, will not die. Maybe in September I will get to take a real vacation. Right now all I want is for Spring to come so I can finally see my tulips, but then all I can think is that Summer, with its 6 months of 100 degree weather is right behind it, and it makes me want to puke. In sum, I have nothing to look forward to. I don't even get to go home at 7 if I successfully tough it out.
The End.
12 Pearls of Wisdom:
Hi OMDG: longtime lurker, and am de-lurking to give you some words of support. I also did an MD/PhD in a non-science subject [well, will be graduating w/ the MD in a few months]. You are exactly right - I seriously thought about quitting my PhD several times [and never, ever felt this way about med school, for exactly the reasons you outline]. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT and the research/work gets SO much more gratifying once you are the one in charge [not that I'm quite there yet, and still have many annoying colleagues :) - I'm at U of Chicago, that should tell you a lot :)] Coming through on the other side, I am really, really happy I finished. So hang in there.
PS, I think my lowest point was qualifying exams [including having to take one over without even being told what I got wrong the first time around]. So really, hang in there - it gets better.
Sois forte! Stay strong! Research can be gruelling (I'm just an assistant, so, less so for me, but I get it!).
Your path has a lot of pain, as evidenced by this post. But I feel confident that ultimately you are happy with where you are in life, judging mostly from previous posts :)
My question to you is, if you reeeeally think about it, if you could do it again, would you go MD, MD/PhD, just Phd, or even something else entirely? I have a pretty good shot at my state school MD/PhD program, and I am strongly considering it. I'm 26 now tho, so I'd start when I'm 27... Otherwise I'll just do MD (if I can get in- its a long story- see my blog). What pearls of wisdom can you spare?? Thanks! - A
I'm sorry. Hang in there. Somewhere ahead is the MD/PhD.
Awww, the post started out so great! I had this cheezy grin during the med school part, like YEA! then... suddenly... out of the blue... the PhD part comes and *POP* bubble burst 0.o
I had the same reaction that Windroses had. haha It was all very happy as such, and then PhD land loomed and I felt so bad. Stay strong! You can beat that PhD! It too must come to pass.
I was working on my medical training while my husband was getting his PhD and it's so true. I was much more miserable (although sometimes it did seem equal), but there was always comfort in knowing there was an endpoint. As long as I showed up every day and made a reasonable effort, it would eventually be over. Not so for him.
Anon -- I wonder if I've met you in real life. U Chicago is a great place, but O.M.G. they are so disorganized and they jerk grad students around like no place else I've ever seen. One guy who is a colleague of my mentor's took ELEVEN YEARS to do his MD-PhD, and sure, he's a leader in the field now.... but ELEVEN YEARS?????? Jesus.
Anyhow, thanks for the words of encouragement. I think part of the problem is that I hate (HATE) most of the classes I'm being required to take this semester and I feel like they suck up all my time. My actual research project is kind of awesome, I just never get to work on it.... AND my models run painfully slowly which also drives me slowly insane.
Oh and, congrats on finishing school!
Out of curiosity- did you get more vacation time during med-school? I'm that lurker who posted about a vague interest in psychiatry, and am currently a research assistant.
Hmmm. Potential Groundhog Day redux. Eventually it will move on.
Anon -- 1st year I go 2 weeks fo xmas, 1 week for spring break, 7 weeks for summer. 2nd year I got 3 weeks for xmas and 2 weeks for summer. 3rd year I got 3 weeks for xmas and 2 weeks for summer.
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