Luca and I had a long conversation this morning about how his hours have gotten completely out of control (he's at work at 6AM-6:30PM M-F with a 60 minute commute on either end, plus he works on the weekends), and how I have had to take on all responsibilities pertaining to the house, the baby, and the dog as a result.
In reality, my schedule is A LOT more flexible than his is. I can "work from home" so that I can meet with the contractors during business hours, and the hours I've been putting in haven't been nearly as onerous as his have been lately. I would feel HORRIBLE asking him to take on additional responsibilities at home since he has so little free time anyway. It just doesn't seem fair to him to ask him.
Still, I could run into the very real problem that if I spend too much time on this other stuff (house, baby, dog), I don't have much time left over to do work on my dissertation. And, I really really want to finish my PhD by March 2013, and the MD by May 2014.
The March 2013 deadline is basically non-negotiable, given the number of electives I have to take when I go back to med school in order to remind myself how not to kill people, and to decide what specialty to go into. I also have to take Step 2 which is another month. If it looks like I won't be done by then I will have to take a WHOLE ADDITIONAL YEAR. Which wouldn't be so bad.... except that my department has no money, and I really really don't want to get into the situation I was in when I started this program where nobody wanted to pay for me and I had to get my own grant.
Also, I worry about Luca and his job when the baby arrives. He currently works with a bunch of men who all have stay at home wives and family in the area. When he told his boss that I was pregnant, his boss basically brushed him aside ("My wife's pregnant with #3 now!"), and he got the distinct impression that his boss had never so much as changed a diaper.
Luca is committed to being an involved father and doing his share around the house, but I worry that he will sacrifice his own career to do it. I'd hate to think that people at his work would think he was shirking on his responsibilities because he has to stay home with a sick baby when his wife becomes a resident, for instance.
I guess the long and the short of it is: Luca is too overstretched to contribute to running the house. He will do things if I ask, but I HAVE TO ASK which makes me feel guilty. And I constantly feel like I should be doing more than I am. But the more time I spend taking care of this crap, the less time I can devote to my PhD, thus increasing the risk that I will need an extra year.
I just feel like sometimes there's no winning.
11 Pearls of Wisdom:
That sucks :( I think this situation is exactly the sort of thing Mama has been worried about for years with the MD/PhD plan
One thing I guess I'm not clear on-I thought your program was completely funded-is there a risk of you not getting funds if you take an extra year? I thought those kinds of MD/PhD programs guaranteed funding, but I also have very little clue how this all works beyond what the program guides say on the webpages.
I'm sure it'll all work out!
PS: Investment banking is looking better and better
It is fully funded, but since my dept won't put students on R01s, and since a lot of their other funding sources have dried up, they have started putting increasing pressure on us to get our own grants. If we don't get them, it's not like we'll be booted from the program, but they will make us apply over and over until we do. Not sure what would happen if someone just refused. I don't think it would be pretty.
The guilt has begun, huh? :)
My husband has a monster commute too, and it makes me feel guilty asking him to do anything. But at the same time, if he does nothing, you end up feeling resentful. Even easy babies are a ton of work.
But if he's really too busy to contribute and you're being stretched thin, I think the solution is for you to hire someone to do the things you don't have time to do, such as cleaning the house, walking the dog, etc. I think the fact that our nanny cleaned our house that first year possibly saved our marriage.
What does Luca do for a living?
Hey Fizzy,
We already have a dog walker, but they only come over lunch when I'm out. The housecleaner we are TOTALLY getting again once the offspring arrives (and maybe before that too). What's killing me right now are home repairs. We have to get the roof fixed, get our house grounded, get our ceilings replaced, get the floors finished in the basement, and paint. Maybe fix the bathroom in the basement too. At the same time I have daycare applications, tours, research to do on finding nannies and babysitters, possibly car shopping in a few months (maybe). Unfortunately, most of this is not outsourcable, and for every contractor you hire, you have to get quotes from at least 2-3 and be there for the day (or at least to let them in) when they come to do work. The baby has lit a fire under our asses since we know nothing will be able to happen once he/she arrives.
So maybe it will calm down. Though, with houses it always seems to be something, so maybe it won't either.
Sonic -- He works for the company called I want to keep my job and my wife never talks about what I do or where I work so that I can keep paying the bills.
Sorry!
"Though, with houses it always seems to be something". Same with children. You need a wife.
Seriously, you need a housekeeper who cooks, cleans, loves dogs and babies.
I think it's funny that everyone is suggesting hiring a housekeeper, as if that's going to solve the problem with the contractors.
Unfortunately, the one with the more flexible job is the one stuck dealing with contractors. For us, we are both relatively flexible, but my husband more so...he ends up doing most of this. I try to make up for it by doing more around the house in the evening so he can catch up on any work he didn't get to do.
Basically its a tough situation, and really unfortunate that your husband's boss doesn't seem like he will be too forgiving about baby/household emergencies. Its good that you are talking about it before the baby comes. It seems silly, but delineating beforehand exactly who is responsible for what (allowing for wiggle room during times of extra stress for either of you) will save a lot of hassle and resentment down the road.
Speaking of which, I have to fire our housecleaner right now & find a new one---know anyone good in Philly? Bad timing with baby due in a week, but losing our keys is an unforgivable error. Housecleaner stuff falls under "my" job.
Crossing my fingers that things will calm down a bit more once the roof gets repaired and the electric done. haha. You know how it is, if it's not one thing it's another.
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