Things I miss

I was talking to some friends the other day about being pregnant, and they said to me, "How do you like being able to eat whatever you want??"

And I said, "Are you freaking kidding me?? For the first time in my life I've had to actually WATCH what I eat! And it sucks!"

The truth is, my pre-pregnancy diet consisted of almost exclusively forbidden foods. Sandwiches with cold cuts, sushi, stinky cheeses. I also have had to add a ton of fruits and vegetables in order to keep the system from getting, er.... backed up. Which meant cutting even more other stuff out.

And then there was the dramatic reduction in physical activity. Prior to getting pregnant, I was walking to and from school, AND walking the dog every day -- on an EASY day. 4-5 days per week I also did formal exercise like running, swimming, lifting weights, or climbing. Clearly that has mostly gone out the window.

I suppose the best part about this change is that I've been able to figure out how to modulate my weight with food. The sucky part is I learned just how little I'm able to eat if I'm not exercising. Now that I'm down to walking 1.5 miles per day since I'm forcing myself to take the bus at least TO school, I'm going to have to eat even less.

Argh.

At least I'm into my 32nd week. And at 23 lbs and counting, while I *could* end up over the recommended 25-35 lbs, it's looking less likely. Phew! Crossing my fingers for no more lectures from that damn NP! I see an actual doctor next visit. I wonder if that's because of the visit to the ED for the contractions I had two weeks ago...... In any case, I'll be interested to see if I like her better.

Other things I miss..... I miss being able to walk upstairs without getting winded. I miss being able to sleep through the night. I miss being able to put on my socks without difficulty. I REALLY REALLY miss being able to go for a run (even though I've never loved running). I wanted to go to NYC with Luca to see an exhibit at the Guggenheim, but ultimately we nixed the idea because we decided I'd probably be completely exhausted by the time I walked to the museum.

I miss wearing cute clothes. I keep getting the J.Crew catalog, and I think, "I really like the cuts and color palate this year. Too bad I WON'T FIT INTO ANY OF IT!!" And shoes. I really want to buy a pair of boots, but there's no point! I have no idea whether it's edema, or whether my feet have permanently spread, but they're definitely bigger. I will need to hold off on any new footwear until I figure out what's going on in that department.

But you know what I like about pregnancy? Last night I was sitting at the kitchen table getting distracted by the internet doing work on a presentation, thinking about how lucky I am to have a husband, a house, Miss Boo, an almost term baby, projects that seem to be progressing at school and a research agenda that I care about at one of the best programs in the country, and that I'm getting along better with my mentor -- really well, in fact.

I thought to myself, "What if this whole academic thing doesn't work out? What if I physically can't work hard enough to do it? (Pregnancy has put me much more in touch with my physical limitations.)" And I decided, who f-ing cares. I loved being a doctor too (well, being a sub-i, anyway), and if I end up being "just" a doctor to support myself and my family, that's ok, and I'm still really lucky. And I have a good 15 years left of being able to do research *I WANT* until the tenure clock runs out, worst case scenario, if that ends up being the way I go. And then I'll still have choices between doctor, policy person, industry. Which are great choices to have.

It was a rare zen moment for me. If I've had to suffer the discomforts of pregnancy to get there, I'd say it's totally been worth it.