As I woke up from a 1.5 hour nap (glorious!) and feel so so much better, I recalled with amusement a conversation I had with my brother in law about 5 months ago. It was the first day that we arrived in Italy, and we were out at dinner talking about pregnancy and babies.
My sister in law primarily wanted to know if doctors in the US chastised women for wearing high heels during pregnancy in the US. I really wouldn't know.... I can't remember the last time I wore heels.... Apparently this is something that they do in Italy however, and as woman who wears 4 inch stilettos to the grocery store, is of primary concern to my sister in law.
My brother in law was hung up on how much work babies are. He said something to the effect of, "They eat every four hours! And that's from the beginning of one feed to the BEGINNING of the next one! There's no time in between to do anything else at all!"
And well, yes. This is basically true. Except four hours is for formula fed babies. For breastfed babies it's more like 2-3 hours.
And it's not like that rule gets extended if your baby is a slow eater. Nope! If your baby takes 60 minutes to eat, and she's eating every 2 hours, then you only have 60 minutes to sleep or do whatever after it's over to do other stuff.
Except that's not even really true either. Because sometimes (often) babies need you to soothe them in between feedings as well. And since you're supposed to feed on demand, often we find that our baby (who from this point forward will be called Little D) will start rooting around already hungry 15 minutes after finishing her last meal, so in effect she has been eating every hour for about 30 minutes a session.*
Don't forget that this behavior is around the clock. So... sleep? What is that again?
Also Little D does not like to sleep anywhere except for on top of me. Including in her bassinet. You can put her down, and she will start whimpering after about 5 minutes, and after 10 this will have escalated to desperate sobs. I am *hoping* that she's just been a little chilly, and tonight we're going to try an extra blanket under her sleep sack to see if that helps at all.
I am not optimistic. The middle of the night was her active time when I was pregnant, and there's no reason for that to no longer be the case now.
Brief, but important side bar: When I was in the hospital I noticed that I would often fall asleep while breastfeeding. The lactation consultant assured me that this would happen, and that as long as the baby wasn't in danger of falling or being squished, it was nothing to worry about. This made things so much easier! When it was 3AM, and little D was fussy in her bassinet, I'd just translocate her to the bed with me to feed her. We'd do a side lying hold (remarkably easy for us to master -- haha big surprise since the mom is lying down on her side for this hold!), Little D would nurse, and I would "relax."
Just so you know "relax" is code for "pass out completely for like, an hour while the baby eats." But nobody said anything about it while we were in the hospital, probably because when they saw me, I'd be awake. Probably also because D was eating off and on more or less continuously 24 hours per day and any reasonable human being knows that parents -- even parents who are doctors (to be) -- need to sleep sometimes in order to be able to do things like.... oh I don't know, remain alive?
When Luca and I figured this out, we felt like we'd figured out the secret cheat to some video game.
Why do I say that? Because while falling asleep while nursing is permitted if it's unintentional, if you do it on purpose it's called "co-sleeping." And, well, only bad parents who don't care if they roll over and squish and kill their babies would ever do something like that on purpose.
So apparently, even though my child eats more or less continuously throughout the day, since I know I will fall asleep when I nurse in the side-lying position, I am actually supposed to get up out of bed and sit in a chair to nurse -- for 60 minutes or perhaps even all night if necessary -- in order to prevent myself from falling asleep while nursing or while holding Little D.
Honestly, the thought of doing this made me a little sick to my stomach.
I immediately starting concocting ways to get around this prohibition. What if instead of going to bed, I "slept" sitting up on the couch? Then when Little D wants to feed, she could just lie on my chest like she does during the day (when I have been known to nod off as well, I might add). But, since she is *on top* of me, and because I am technically sitting and *not* lying down, it doesn't count as co-sleeping, right?
Haha, I'm sure that would be frowned upon as well. Still, Luca and I just woke up from a 1.5 hour nap on the couch where I did exactly that, and we feel so much better now it's not even funny.
All this is in support of my theory that -- at least where doctors are concerned -- if something tastes good, feels good, or generally makes your life easier, then it's probably dangerous or at least bad for you and probably you shouldn't do it.** And there is yet another reason I have a hard time seeing myself doing primary care.
Anyway, this phase is not going to last forever, I know. And Little D is so completely amazing in every way. We are so happy to have her and can't believe she is all ours.
*Yes my nipples are starting to get a little sore. Nothing too horrible yet, but when she starts nursing, things are a kind of ouchy until she gets going. I will say that Luca is a little jealous that he can't breastfeed too since to him she seemed very bonded to me from when she was only a few hours old, and for the first couple of days she would howl any time he held her. I'm happy to report that she now appears to enjoy falling asleep on him as much as she likes falling asleep on me, and now I am the jealous one because he doesn't have to have sore nipples.
**Haha!! It's a joke! I'm kidding!! (sort of...)
17 Pearls of Wisdom:
The controversies of motherhood are already setting in?
I used to run Well-Baby programs that strongly advised against co-sleeping. If I recall correctly, the greatest risks were if the mother were drinking alcohol, taking drugs or using sleeping aids.
There is another side to co-sleeping that encourages it for bonding. I'm not sure which side is winning the debate today.
I say do whatever feels right for you and your precious Little D.
You mean it's a BAD idea to shoot heroin before lying down in bed with your baby?
I hope I don't sound adversarial... I see both sides of this, and just want to do what's best for D and my family. The bonding while feeding/sleeping is completely amazing and feels fantastic. On the other side, I would feel completely terrible if something bad happened to my baby while I was flagrantly disregarding some pediatrics guideline. It's not like I could say I didn't know better, right?
It might actually be safer for the baby for you to just do side-lying nursing in bed and get zen with the fact that you'll doze off often in these early weeks. Because of the narrowness, the back & sides and the softness of the cushions, it might be more of a risk to the baby to nurse and sleep there.
Then again, you aren't a moron or a junkie (right?) so you'll probably figure it out.
And the sleep thing gets better - as you observed, her active time and your quiet time overlap just now and she'll need to get in the habit of sleeping when it is still. That takes an adjustment period, but it does happen.
I was relatively young (<30) and pretty naive when I had my first. Objectively speaking, she was a lousy sleeper by most measures for 14+ months but I certainly could have handled it better than I did by adopting a "this too shall pass" attitude. But I will say, after 14 months, the first time I slept 5+ hours in one night, it was amazing!
I would make a rule that if the baby woke up before 5AM, I would try to get her back to sleep in her cosleeper, and if it was 5AM or later, I'd take her to the couch to sleep together. I didn't feel safe sleeping with her in the bed, but I slept with her on the couch practically every night and during all her naps. I would tuck her under my arm against the back of the couch, and I couldn't see any possible way I could harm her. She was wedged in there, going nowhere. And I'm a pretty light sleeper now.
It's just so scary when you first bring them home because it seems like a feather could smother them. I honestly still wake up during the night and put my hand on the baby in her cosleeper to make sure she's breathing, even though she's over 6 months and not really in that high risk SIDS period anymore.
I know everyone has her own comfort level with this, that's precisely why its a controversy & not a hard & fast rule. I will say that our pediatrician, when we sheepishly admitted to B sleeping in our bed during the first couple of nights home (because he, too, would only sleep on one of our chests), said "whatever it takes" for the first few weeks. So we did. And did again, for L. In fact, L has been ending up in our bed more & more these past couple of weeks (after a couple of months of sleeping in his bassinet) because I've fallen asleep nursing him lying down. Once (GASP) I woke up 2 hours later and he was on the OUTSIDE of the bed (albeit at least a foot from the edge, we have a HUGE bed). If I try to put him in his crib he sometimes screams inconsolably. So what's the alternative??
SIDS can happen whether co-sleeping or not. Hence "crib death". The risk is higher in the winter because of excess heating, so we kept our house a bit chilly. Also if baby was in our bed, NO covers. We kept extra sweatshirts by the bed, so if baby ended up with us, we'd throw off the covers and try to stay warm that way.
Is there really a mother who hasn't taken a blissful nap with their baby?
I co-sleep with my son (5 months) and have done so since birth. If you ask around seriously you will find that many people are closet co-sleepers. Just like dogs don't send their puppies into another another bed, it feels good for us to sleep with our babies too. Like Penelope said, as long as you are fully aware (no drinking, drugs) and are a non-smoker, you should be OK to co-sleep and well aware of where you baby is in the night. There are other rules too - like don't swaddle her so she can move around to alert you if she is compromised.
I really enjoyed reading this article by Dr. Sears - http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes
Everyone's family is different and people will be quick to judge you no matter what you do. Just do whatever is right for your family and forget the rest :)
Can't wait to hear more about Little D!
I'm a med student just now completing my pediatrics rotation, and I must say I've always been conflicted about the issue of co-sleeping. My father worked nights, and my brother and I slept in bed with my mother for years. I have to say it was a wonderful experience. She loved it, we loved it, we cuddled, it was great. I almost feel guilty telling parents not to do it (I understand the risks and do follow the guidelines when counseling families).
I think that if you feel comfortable that the baby is safe, you should go for it as long as it seems right.
Just my two cents.
Have you seen the cosleeper cribs? That might address some of the risks like rolling over on the baby or the baby falling out of bed.
Congratulations!!!! It sounds like things are going great! I fondly (NOT) remember the sleep deprivation-induced haze in which I spent the first few weeks of H's life, and I kind of wish I'd been less neurotic about the co-sleeping thing. So many hundreds of millions of parents have done it with no problems that part of me feels silly for worrying about it. And I would have loved it, and HE would have loved it, and putting an infant alone in a crib (he's in our room, about one foot from my head, but still) seems totally unnatural. I feel like babies are designed to sleep in contact with us.
Now that he's older and crawling and I'm a little less neurotic, I bring him into bed to nurse when he wakes up unusually early in the morning, so that I can rest while he eats. And I love it. And I wish that I could sleep with him all the time! But the bed is so full of big dogs that I don't think it would be safe -- I'm sure one of them would step on him (they step on ME all the time), and they're already getting so little quality time, between clinics and H, that I don't have the heart to kick them out of bed to make room for him.
Congratulations again, and enjoy your baby girl!
BTW, I don't know how much you worry about the SIDS thing in general, and I know that the official AAP recommendation is against them (I can't figure out why), but buying an apnea monitor changed my life. It was the best purchase I ever made in my 3+ decades of life. We used a Snuza (little thing that clips onto the diaper) until H started rolling over, and then (even though that technically brought him out of the high-risk age group) switched to an under-mattress Angel Care.
Hopefully you're less neurotic than I was, but I literally could not sleep unless MM was watching H, because I was so afraid he'd stop breathing. I would wake up every hour all night long to check on him, and it was horrendous. Then I found this little tiny device that measures abdominal excursions, and sets off an alarm if none are sensed within 15 seconds, and I started SLEEPING and it was HEAVENLY.
Like I said, hopefully you don't need one, but I really wish someone had told me about them a couple months sooner!
Liana --
She won't sleep in the cosleeper. That's the whole problem. It solves NOTHING (said after getting 2 hours of sleep last night currently holding a screaming infant).
When my oldest was a baby I used to sit in the recliner to feed her. I would always fall asleep and we would remain that way for just about the entire night. I needed sleep, she needed to eat so we both won. I say do whatever works for you because there will always be someone out there trying to tell you that you are doing things wrong. I think that is the biggest thing becoming a mom taught me...that someone will find fault with anything I do so I should just do what works for myself and the baby and not worry about trying to do it right. My daughter is now 14 and healthy, smart, beautiful, etc. so I think it turned out fine for us. Good luck!
Here's some information on cosleeping from Dr. James McKenna who runs a mother-baby behavioral sleep laboratory at Notre Dame. http://cosleeping.nd.edu/
I coslept with all my children, following the safety guidelines. It made breastfeeding and actually getting some rest possible. My kids still dogpile into the bed sometimes, but thankfully we have a big bed.
Good luck. The first six weeks are such a period of transition but things typically level out right around then.
I think that cosleeping is a personal decision,but moms not on drugs aren't going to smuther their kidlets. In Jamaica, the hospital all is exclusively breastfed and exclusively cosleeps. That's pretty typical around the world. Another plus is that she smells you, she's less likely to get hypoglycemic which is one theory. Anyways, ask around, not only do some moms cosleep, but tons do sleeping on stomach as well.:) Do what works, through it, but don't hurt your back :) Try wraping her tighter though, it may help the sleep.
Sorry this is late. I typed up a whole reply at work and then my iPad ate it. (Oh, woe is me! I had time to comment on a blog during my MICU month and then my expensive toy malfunctioned. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.)
1) Ah, the cosleeping debate, AKA "the reason I didn't go into pediatrics (along with all the others)." Because I have a hard time telling a new mom who has found a solution to breast-feeding that also allows her to sleep, um, ever, that she is DOING IT ALL WRONG and WILL KILL HER BAYBEE. Which is apparently required of me as a medical professional. Anyway, you're smart, you don't smoke, and if you're a raging alcoholic or druggie you're hiding it real well. Whatever works, I say.
Also:
http://theunderweardrawer.blogspot.com/2008/07/youre-so-going-to-regret-that-you-asked.html
2) And I am really happy for you guys about the baby and all, but WHAT ABOUT THE BOO? HOW IS THE BOO DOING? IS THERE BOO-BABY LICKING YET? IS IT AS ADORABLE AS I THINK IT IS? BOOOOOOO.
Sorry to hear that, OMDG (and rereading your post I see that is pretty clearly mentioned... can I plead sleep deprivation too?). I thought maybe the cosleeper crib would be a good solution for you breastfeeding and falling asleep in the sidelying position.
I just saw you had a little one! Congratulations!
This sounds all too familiar (the little one who won't sleep and feeds round the clock) and for me...well, my son had reflux and I sincerely hope Little D does not - but we found tilting the head of his co-sleeper bed up made a lot of difference - so, something to consider/try if you haven't already.
Best of luck!
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